The holiday

Hey blog.. I hate holidays. Wah, intro mau ala-ala novel chick flick yang aku baca adik aku dok baca. Where were we? Oh, ok I hate holidays. Especially this time of the year. Time nilah ramai budak2 IPTA/IPTS balik cuti. Time nilah jugak budak2 yang study overseas balik Malaysia, summer holiday kata mereka. Soon, the country will be swarmed of students on holiday with nothing much to do. So this is the best time for them to hang out with their long lost/separated friends, catching up kata mereka. Well, where does “I hate holidays” got anything to do with it? Erm, the part di mana proses catching up tu involves me.

Great. Flame me all you want blog, but for the past few years I have been avoiding them. Tak kira kawan pfs or kawan mrsm. To be honest, I don’t really know why. When I think about it, I can come up with hundreds of reasons answers. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I’m feeling inferior. Maybe I’m a wuss. Maybe I’m a loser. Maybe I’m a loser and I can’t deal with it. Maybe I’m a loser and I can deal with it but can’t deal with what people might think of me. Maybe Im a kiasu. Maybe Im being plain paranoid, given brapa banyak maybe aku fikir daa..

I’ve been avoiding text messages, phone calls, sampai to the extend aku terpaksa offline YM and MSN seeing how persistent they are in trying to contact me. *sigh. I mean come on, what is there to catch up? To them maybe a lot. But to me, nah. Nothing much. I can easily sum up my life with ‘Yeah, I threw away my SD scholarship just to pursue a career in football but failed after I got injured. Ok, aku balik dulu, aku dah habis catch up dah.’ Or in a more detailed, literal way:

Ali: Aku nak kahwin Jun ni. Pas kahwin aku nnt balik moscow and abeskan MD aku. After a year, aku nanti balik mesia, buat housemanship. Tak pun aku sambung. Aku ingat nak specialize in neurology eh, oncology la best sket, eh cardiology la, lagi kaya.

Azmil: Congrats weh! Aku..aku..aku.. aku tak abes lagi diploma.

Ok fine maybe aku ada inferiority complex. Ataupun memang aku kiasu. But seriously I don’t mind being the laughing stock. I don’t mind being judged. Apa orang nak kata, apa orang nak judge terpulang la kat depa. What I mind is being hurt when I have to recap balik what I’ve been through all this while. It is effking painful to go through that once more, explaining things yang belum tentu orang akan faham. Buat apa? Baik tak payah. And speaking about hurt, it is likely they will ask about H. Since we were the high school sweet hearts and we lasted for like 5 years, until one day she left. Talking about it, no, thinking about it ja pun dah makes my heart ache.

I appreciate their intention, insisting on meeting up with me. Kalau aku jadi depa, dah lama aku give up. Watpa nak ambik peduli dengan mamat kerek, sombong, kera sumbang etc. But Im just not ready. They don’t have any idea what I’ve been through and Im not ready to open up to everyone. That’s why I pushed them away. Maybe one fine day…I’ll start messaging you guys in YM (yes they are in my ym list but I’ve came up with excuses just to avoid conversation everytime they pm me) or even add you guys up in FB. But for the time being, I’m damaged.

ok tak cun