Numb

Old wounds never really heal. You probably recovered, but it changed you. Probably for the better, probably for the worst. 

Or at least you think you changed, but you're just at the same place running back and forth. 

I sometimes wonder if I changed for the better. But every time I tried to think that I've changed into a better person, I always seem to notice there's another area of me that changed for the worst. 

For example, I always second guess people's motive. I never get to trust people the way they trusted me. Believe me, even the people that are close to me pun. Setiap pujian nampak seperti ejekan. Setiap budi yang baik nampak seperti 'Mesti dia nih nak something in return'. 

Another example is turning into something that I hate. I promised myself not to be like those who hurt me, but I ended up becoming like them. I promised myself to not be a sellsword, I ended up becoming one. I promised myself to not use misery as my motivations, but I made misery my bestfriend. 

That's why I think old wounds never heal. I probably got rid of the pain, but I'm just numb all over. Someone take this away please.

Support

In dota, especially competitive dota, they have different roles in each member of the team. Yeah it's a 5 on 5 team game, but each and everyone of them has different roles in order to win the game. Ada hardlane, mid solo, carry and support. For the support role, basically their job is to roam around the map and help kill the opposition team hero or help any members that is in trouble. They ward the map, heal allies, jungle and farm the neutral creeps. Support's role doesn't have to be rich and have nice items. Kadang-kadang tu dia takdak item apa-apa pun. Just the basics, like kasut and armor. But they are not item dependant so they are still relevant as the game goes by where other heroes are getting rich and fat.

Carry on the other hands, is the team's killer. They usually have high damage per second and have high attack speed and movement speed. The reason they are called 'carry' is because they are the ones who will carry the team to a win. But usually carry heroes are fragile. They have low health and item dependant. They need items, and they need levels. So in order to have that, they need to farm well, kill opposition heroes and not die in the process. Carry need to rely on support to be rich and support need to rely on carry to kill heroes and win the game.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I always find myself in the middle between these roles. Not game-wise, but in real life. I love carry and support role, but I can't be both at the same time. I love being a carry but I think Im better at being a support. Some of my best work be it assignments, projects or sports came when I was the support of the team. Like when I played in Sukad last year. I'm not even in the starting line up. I requested to be sidelined because I never trained with them and I wasn't even a part of Indah Kembara pun. So I figured just let these boys play first.

But my contribution for the team was immense. Even coming from the bench, I always seemed to contribute something of significant to the team. I assisted the equalizing goal that made us through to the knock out stage. I blocked an opposition's shot that was destined for the net in the semi final and ultimately scored the leading goal in that very same match. All this happened when I came from the bench. The same thing goes for some assignments. I love it when lecturer drew names randomly for us to form a group. This is because since we don't know each other and each skill sets, someone is going to have to step up to become the carry. And I can assure you it won't be me. This way I'll get to become the support. I get to worry about all the minor details and I get to usually perform beyond my team's expectations. Instead of worrying about the planning, I get to worry about the implementations which I think one of my superior skill sets.

But usually I always find myself in the carry role. I dont know how I always ended up as the carry. Probably sebab kawan-kawan suka tolak role tu kat aku. Probably sebab aku rasa insecure kalau orang lain yang carry the team. Or probably because aku gila kuasa aku kena make sure semua benda pun ikut direction yang aku mau. I like being the carry but sometimes I find it too much of a pressure. What if I failed to lay down the correct path for the team? What if my vision are not understood and complied well by my team mates? What if I failed to perform even though I got all the support I needed? What if the team is too dependant of me? And what if I am too dependant and too demanding of the team?

A carry is only as good as his support. That's why I prefer to be the support. Maybe the carry has limited capabilities or maybe his planning is a little off, but if the support are good, they will do everything in their power to turn it into something good. Like venture capitalist always say, they would rather fund a strong entrepreneur with mediocre business idea than fund a strong business idea with a mediocre entrepreneur. I might have mediocre plan, but one thing I can assure you, I am not one mediocre individual. If I lay down the path and direction, it probably works, it probably doesn't. But if someone lays down the path and direction for me, I'll do everything in my power to make sure it works. 

More complicated

I am a simple guy. All I wanted was to live a simple life. Nothing complicated, nothing big. I would be very happy if I were to live in a countryside, earning moderate incomes with a wife and kids. I think that's pretty much it. I never imagined myself living in the city, working in big corporation, doing something important with big responsibilities.

When my friends hung out at the kopitiam, they talked about the stock market and securities like any good finance student should, but me, I just want to talk about football, throw a banter at some friends and talk about my family. 

When everybody was getting hyped up to work for big corporations, I just imagined my life running a small SME or some burger joint somewhere in the neighbourhood. Plus I hate big corporation. I think they're a bully and steal from small people like me.

When everybody was racing shoulder to shoulder to do well and get good grades, I just want to get by, or at least comply to my sponsor's expectation. Nothing more.

I just want to keep it simple. Even my student life right now revolves around simplicity. Like how I take english course for my language package instead of a foreign language. Not because I don't find foreign language interesting, but because that's the simplest thing to do. Learning a foreign language is much of a hassle. I also avoid from involving myself in joining student society or event secretariat because it's too much work. I just want to keep a low profile, stay under the radar, do my thing and just graduate.

Plus, I've experienced almost everything during college. So I think it's time to call it quit. I've worked with people under complex hierarchy during my college years. It's not that hard and it's not so much of a burden, but it's just not my thing. You know, like how you dont like something but yet you're surprisingly good at it, and there's stuff you like to do but yet you're awfully suck at it. Now in uni Im only involved in the simplest form of hierarchy. Futsal team. The hierarchy goes like: Coach. Captain. Players. Coach marah captain, captain marah kami. Tapi kadang-kadang kami pulak nanti marah captain. So simple.

Although I just want to lead a simple life, there are times that I've bitten more than I could chew. I promised myself to just exercise and be healthy when I entered degree life, but I went as far as playing futsal competitively, representing the varsity and the state. I also promised myself to not be involved in anything major; just do my thing and graduate, but I ended up running for the SRC election. And I dont think it helps me achieving any personal growth pun. I think it kinda ruined my perception of reality. Which even freak me out to go out there in the working world.

Winning the election sure boosted my self-esteem, but it's too big for me to handle. You gotta pick sides be it aspirasi or pro-mahasiswa, you gotta kiss someone's butt and you gotta do things that probably violate your personal values. There's not a single day gone by without me wishing to go back to my comfort zone. To that simplicity I call home.