Numb

Old wounds never really heal. You probably recovered, but it changed you. Probably for the better, probably for the worst. 

Or at least you think you changed, but you're just at the same place running back and forth. 

I sometimes wonder if I changed for the better. But every time I tried to think that I've changed into a better person, I always seem to notice there's another area of me that changed for the worst. 

For example, I always second guess people's motive. I never get to trust people the way they trusted me. Believe me, even the people that are close to me pun. Setiap pujian nampak seperti ejekan. Setiap budi yang baik nampak seperti 'Mesti dia nih nak something in return'. 

Another example is turning into something that I hate. I promised myself not to be like those who hurt me, but I ended up becoming like them. I promised myself to not be a sellsword, I ended up becoming one. I promised myself to not use misery as my motivations, but I made misery my bestfriend. 

That's why I think old wounds never heal. I probably got rid of the pain, but I'm just numb all over. Someone take this away please.