Fears

My list of fears, not necessarily in order:

• I'm worried that I'll never get the chance to repay my parents. Not because that I won't have the time, but because I am a total disappointment. As in, even at the age of 30 nanti pun I still need them to get me out of trouble, to give me a handout, to take care of me, sedangkan I am the one who's supposed to take care of them. 
• I'm worried that I'll never let go of the past. I've been through rock bottom, but I've climbed back. Finished my diploma, achieving things that I never thought I could achieved, and now towards the end of my degree. I've come this far, but why am I not contented with life? Why does it feels like I am still at rock bottom?
• I'm worried that I might screwed up good things in my life. Whenever I have something good in my life, I tend to sabotage my own happiness because it will inflict damage to my emotion, so that I can improve. I dont know why I prefer misery over happiness as a motivation. Sedangkan effect happiness lagi hebat kan?
•  I'm worried that I might have lost (or will lose) the people I love and care about. People that matters to me, due to the previous list above.
• I fear that I will never grow up.
• I fear that if once I lose a certain quality, people might leave and ignored me. For example, my intelligence (yeah, I'd like to think Im smart haha). So if i lose it, Im scared that people will leave me, people will not like me, my siblings won't respect me etc. 
• I'm scared of not performing up to my sponsor's expectation and have my scholarship taken away.
• Im worried that I might not be a good husband and a good father.
• I'm afraid of being alone.
• I'm afraid of risk. After what I've been through, I'd like to play it safe. I will always look for the easiest, riskless solutions. Punya penakut. Padahal I kept telling myself that I dont want to be that guy who one days looked over his life in regrets.
• I'm afraid that I'm that bad person after all. That person who don't deserve happiness, love, peace and other good things.
• Im afraid that I'm not normal.
• I fear that people would see through me; how pathetic, weak and hopeless I am after they read this.

I know, when I got back to blogging I promised that this time around it'll be less personal. But when I browsed through my posts, I found out that that's isn't the case. There's plenty of stuffs here that I never imagined that I'll be able to open up to. I'm not surprised though. I received constant complaints from a few exes on why I wouldnt be able to open up to them like I did here. Why wouldn't you share? Why wouldn't you talk to me the way you share in your blog? Well that's a question that I didnt have the answer to up til now. 

Maybe I'm not good in expressing myself. Maybe that's the way I process emotions. Or maybe because I didn't see a future together with you, I didn't bother to tell you shit. All I know is that's the way it has been. This is my safe space, and if you'd care enough you'd understand and read this blog from time to time instead of giving me the cold shrugs. I can really tell which of those who read my blog; we simply clicked and hit it off even though we hardly talked to each other in real life.