Douchebag Azmil is douchebag

I'd like to think that I'm good, if not, decent in English. Yeah sometimes I struggled speaking but who doesn't? I think it's more of a public speaking issues rather than the language itself. People always pointed out how 'utagha' I sound when I speak Malay, and yet how that utara slang totally goes off when I speak in english. I take pride in my english language. So if I were to speak the language, I want to speak properly. No slang, no '-lah' in my sentences and no manglish. Just english. 

People also have the impression that I'm a bright student, but in truth I'm like everyone else. It's just that since I don't have problem with the language, I can absorb things faster. Takyah check dictionary. Takyah reread the whole sentences. Budak usm ni semua cekang-cekang. When I taught some of my friends I realized that the problem is not the learning, the problem's the language. People also always give me that 'Oh patutla' gesture when they knew that both my parents are english teacher, which annoys me a bit.

It's not like they taught me much and it's not like we speak english at home. We speak malay with essence and flavor of utagha all over. But, if anything, they taught me to love the language. Instead of teaching me the language, they taught me to love the language and culture. So from there I just picked things up. My parents were ELLS student. Yes they are not any average teachers. They studied B.A instead of B.Ed. So at the age of 10, I was exposed with many english literatures. Rudyard Kipling, William Golding, Ernest Hemmingway to name a few. And even the classics. At a very young age I knew Shakespeare's plays like Mid Summer Night Dream, MacBeth and Hamlet.    

Abah's also a movie buff. He's into all the action and mobster stuff. So growing up, I watched a lot of The Godfather, Gangs of New York, Scarface and Die Hard. So I picked things up from movies, songs and literatures instead from the classroom. But taking pride in the language also sometimes bite me in the ass. Sometimes I got too englishy and forgot all about our culture and social context. For example I was dumped by a girl once when I used the word 'dying' to describe her mother's health. To me I never thought of 'dying' as being dead per se. I mean, if you watched medical drama they always said the patient is dying but most of the time they saved the patients. So yeah, I totally ignored our social context.

I also got into a fight with a friend when I used the word 'bitch' when talking to her. To her the word is taboo. So yeah, once again I failed to recognised the social context. I thought that we're on the same perception of social context. To me it was perfectly fine. In the US the word bastard, bitch and shit are allowed in national television. I also have problems when I tried to use these words in different connotation. For example when you said "stop bitchin" it means simply 'stop whining' but people especially the one with weaker english command tend to be insulted by that.

And don't let me get started on the pronunciation. When you take so much pride in it, you became easily irritated when you heard people mispronounced something. Apa orang sebut pun salah. Apa orang sebut pun tak kena. I once lose interest on a girl when she pronounced Wednesday without the silent 'd'. Man, I was bloody mean to lead her on only to ditch her over some small things. If you think that 'wednesday' thingy tu is already small now let me try to make it even smaller. You know how certain verb and adjective are pronounced differently, for example the word approximate. The adjective is pronounced aproksemet and the verb is pronounced aproksemeit and sometimes people get confused between the two.  Even these small things get on my nerves!

Tapi itu dulu! Sekarang tak dah. Lani macam cool ja. Haha. Dan2 cover. Haih. Kadang-kadang kita pun tak tara mana. Tapi kita dok rasa kita ja sempoi orang lain suma tak. Mau dok relax sait. One day you'll meet someone who will put you to the ground and you'll be getting a taste of your own medicine. But seriously I'm not that bad. Betulllll. Tak caya sudah.

Teenage Dream

I was watching The Heir the other day and it got me thinking; being in love when you are a teenager is different than being in love when you are in the 20s.

When you are a teenager, you are young, ambitious and idealistic. Come what may, you want your relationship to work. No matter what the obstacle is. You felt as if your other half is the only thing that matters in the whole wide world. You didn't give a shit about what people say. Being the optimistic, rebellious you, the more people are against it, the more you want to fight for it. You didn't give a shit if your girlfriend's mother texting you  'we the whole family are disgusted of you'. You didn't care to break your promises and duty to your family just to accommodate your plans with your girlfriend.  

You like to feel in control, therefore you always plan things up. I dunno about girls, but guys when they were really into someone, they'll come out with a strategy to woo her and to make her happy. What should I get her as a gift; do I have to buy it, or must it be hand made? How about the timing; should I ask her out when she's super happy or when she's super bummed? It's all equations, strategy and numbers. For example, when she's super bummed, her overall happiness is negative. So if you asked her out and managed to make her happy, her overall happiness would be positive. And it will make a deep impression towards her, since she goes from, say, -5 to +5. This impression is deeper than if you asked her out when she's super happy. Because it is unlikely you could top it off. I mean an increase from +5 to +7 sure is great but is not as much impact. But then again going out with her when she's super bummed could also be a risky one cause she's an emotional trainwreck. You see how deep the thought process is? They like to be in control so much that they really consider every variable in their calculations.

You'd do anything for her. Benda yang susah jadi senang. Benda yang impossible jadi possible. You'd ride 700km on your bike just to see her walaupun kat kilometer yang ke 200 hujan lebat dan pungkuq hang dah mula kebas. You'd happily made some scrapbooks to commemorate the relationship sedangkan homework cikgu bagi pun ang tak pernah sentuh. And to top of it all, you didnt care if it was your dream you sacrificed as long as you get to be with her. Kinda like Kim Tan in The Heir. He didnt mind losing it all so long he gets to be with Eun Sang.

When you hit the 20s, things are different. You're more calm and collected, and you've became a realist. Probably that you've matured, or probably your love life from when you were a teenager didnt work out, so you're more careful. Doesn't matter. The fact that you're a realist means that you didn't take risk head on, instead you take a calculated one. Hang tak semberono ja make a commitment. You're not afraid to admit defeat. If there's a chance you go for it, but if you don't, you just move on. No big deal. You didnt do much strategizing, because you know that you doesnt have to be in control of everything. You began to acknowledge that some things are not within your hands. You began to accept the idea of 'jodoh'. Kalau hang suka ok, kalau tak suka nak buat macam mana. No more planning and strategizing and hunting and games.

You are also aware of how tiring it is trying to make something that's not working to work. It consume time, energy and efforts. So you tried to utilize everything within only your capabilities. Your girlfriend's mother doesn't need to text you. You didn't have to get into a big fight with your girlfriend. You'll KNOW whether it is working or not. You'll know if she's right for you without having to go through all that. The best thing of all  is when you know that it isn't working, you're not afraid to let your leg off the pedal. You are slightly unwilling to go the distance when you're in a relationship. Not because that you don't love her. Not because that you didn't care. But because she love you the way you are and you know you're not gonna lose her over some silly things you didnt do. Because you have also other priorities and dreams you need to pursue. Because life is not just about her, but also your family, friends and career.

700km bike ride? Call and text messaging every half an hour? Sacrifice playing futsal or football for her? No thanks. I dont need a drama queen dictating my life. If I have to do one of these things, it only means one thing. You're not for me.  

Although......I've always had that teenage dream. To be able to love recklessly. To be able to have someone take my hand and drag me head first, fearless (bak kata Taylor Swift). To be able to fight even it's a losing battle. Is it something that you experienced only when you're in teenager? 

Numb

Old wounds never really heal. You probably recovered, but it changed you. Probably for the better, probably for the worst. 

Or at least you think you changed, but you're just at the same place running back and forth. 

I sometimes wonder if I changed for the better. But every time I tried to think that I've changed into a better person, I always seem to notice there's another area of me that changed for the worst. 

For example, I always second guess people's motive. I never get to trust people the way they trusted me. Believe me, even the people that are close to me pun. Setiap pujian nampak seperti ejekan. Setiap budi yang baik nampak seperti 'Mesti dia nih nak something in return'. 

Another example is turning into something that I hate. I promised myself not to be like those who hurt me, but I ended up becoming like them. I promised myself to not be a sellsword, I ended up becoming one. I promised myself to not use misery as my motivations, but I made misery my bestfriend. 

That's why I think old wounds never heal. I probably got rid of the pain, but I'm just numb all over. Someone take this away please.

Support

In dota, especially competitive dota, they have different roles in each member of the team. Yeah it's a 5 on 5 team game, but each and everyone of them has different roles in order to win the game. Ada hardlane, mid solo, carry and support. For the support role, basically their job is to roam around the map and help kill the opposition team hero or help any members that is in trouble. They ward the map, heal allies, jungle and farm the neutral creeps. Support's role doesn't have to be rich and have nice items. Kadang-kadang tu dia takdak item apa-apa pun. Just the basics, like kasut and armor. But they are not item dependant so they are still relevant as the game goes by where other heroes are getting rich and fat.

Carry on the other hands, is the team's killer. They usually have high damage per second and have high attack speed and movement speed. The reason they are called 'carry' is because they are the ones who will carry the team to a win. But usually carry heroes are fragile. They have low health and item dependant. They need items, and they need levels. So in order to have that, they need to farm well, kill opposition heroes and not die in the process. Carry need to rely on support to be rich and support need to rely on carry to kill heroes and win the game.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I always find myself in the middle between these roles. Not game-wise, but in real life. I love carry and support role, but I can't be both at the same time. I love being a carry but I think Im better at being a support. Some of my best work be it assignments, projects or sports came when I was the support of the team. Like when I played in Sukad last year. I'm not even in the starting line up. I requested to be sidelined because I never trained with them and I wasn't even a part of Indah Kembara pun. So I figured just let these boys play first.

But my contribution for the team was immense. Even coming from the bench, I always seemed to contribute something of significant to the team. I assisted the equalizing goal that made us through to the knock out stage. I blocked an opposition's shot that was destined for the net in the semi final and ultimately scored the leading goal in that very same match. All this happened when I came from the bench. The same thing goes for some assignments. I love it when lecturer drew names randomly for us to form a group. This is because since we don't know each other and each skill sets, someone is going to have to step up to become the carry. And I can assure you it won't be me. This way I'll get to become the support. I get to worry about all the minor details and I get to usually perform beyond my team's expectations. Instead of worrying about the planning, I get to worry about the implementations which I think one of my superior skill sets.

But usually I always find myself in the carry role. I dont know how I always ended up as the carry. Probably sebab kawan-kawan suka tolak role tu kat aku. Probably sebab aku rasa insecure kalau orang lain yang carry the team. Or probably because aku gila kuasa aku kena make sure semua benda pun ikut direction yang aku mau. I like being the carry but sometimes I find it too much of a pressure. What if I failed to lay down the correct path for the team? What if my vision are not understood and complied well by my team mates? What if I failed to perform even though I got all the support I needed? What if the team is too dependant of me? And what if I am too dependant and too demanding of the team?

A carry is only as good as his support. That's why I prefer to be the support. Maybe the carry has limited capabilities or maybe his planning is a little off, but if the support are good, they will do everything in their power to turn it into something good. Like venture capitalist always say, they would rather fund a strong entrepreneur with mediocre business idea than fund a strong business idea with a mediocre entrepreneur. I might have mediocre plan, but one thing I can assure you, I am not one mediocre individual. If I lay down the path and direction, it probably works, it probably doesn't. But if someone lays down the path and direction for me, I'll do everything in my power to make sure it works.