Penakut

Alkisahnya di awal milenia suatu ketika dahulu, ketika aku masih lagi remaja mentah, penuh dengan jerawat dan amukan hormon testosteron. Aku ditawarkan untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke sebuah sekolah berasrama  penuh di utara tanah air. Ketika inilah aku mula mengembangkan minatku terhadap perempuan. Yalah, sebelum itu aku bersekolah di sekolah satu jantina. Semuanya lelaki. Jadi di sekolah baruku itu, aku berpeluang untuk bereksperimentasi dan melakukan eksplorasi dalam mengenal diriku dengan lebih mendalam.

Tetapi bukan berkenaan perempuan yang ingin aku ceritakan. Ya, bercerita mengenai perempuan terutamanya pada zaman sekolah dahulu memang mengujakan, tetapi hari ini aku tidak ada mood untuk bercerita mengenai sisi feminin aku. Sebaliknya aku ingin bercerita mengenai sisi maskulinku. Ya, sisi macho aku. Secara jujurnya, aku mengkategorikan diriku sebagai seorang alpha-male ketika di sekolah dahulu. Ya, lelaki alfa. Jika kami ialah sekumpulan serigala, aku ialah serigala yang akan makan dahulu, dan apabila aku selesai makan barulah serigala-serigala lain akan memakan sisa-sisaku.

Aku ialah lelaki yang paling vokal dalam kumpulanku. Kepimpinan dan kecerdikan jalanan aku merupakan kekuatan utamaku. Hormon-hormon remajaku menjadikan aku seorang yang agresif dan ekspresif. Aku juga  banyak menonjolkan kekuatan fizikalku, dengan menyertai banyak acara sukan seperti bola sepak, ragbi dan olahraga. Tetapi tidak ramai yang tahu, aku takla kahaq mana pun. (kahaq=lasak, kuat, kasar)

Penakut lebih.

Aku tak pernah terlibat dalam direct, head on fight. Jika rakan-rakanku tengah sibuk memukul atau meragging junior, aku akan jadi 'mat tempek'. Strategi yang paling bacul bijak sekali. Ketika si mangsa sedang dikerumuni dan dipukul oleh orang ramai, aku akan 'menempek' sekali. Akan hinggaplah tendangan dan tumbukan dariku, tetapi si mangsa tu tak akan tahu yang aku memukulnya. Orang putih kata 'kick a man when he's down'. Aku juga takut gelap, sebab itu katilku berada betul-betul di tepi pintu. Aku akan sengaja buka pintu sedikit ketika lights off supaya cahaya dapat masuk.

Tetapi tidak ramai yang tahu betapa penakutnya aku. Di sebalik maskuliniti, di sebalik kegresifan dan di sebalik kelantangan.

Aku juga rajin kejut orang. (kejut=gertak,marah,threaten). Tetapi tidak ramai yang tahu aku kejut ja lebih. Mungkin kerana kebanyakan orang yang aku kejut bertindak submisif terhadap kejutan aku. "hang menjawab sekali lagi aku rimbuk muka hang", "baju aku tak kering, aku tomoi ko". Selalunya orang-orang yang aku kejut ialah orang yang submisif, jadi mereka jarang melawan.

Jujur aku cakap, kalau diorang cuba melawan, walaupun sedikit, memang aku cuak dah. Cuba kalau depa kejut aku balik. Mesti aku mintak maaf atau lari punya. Aku bernasib baik kerana banyak orang berasa inferior dengan aku. Cuba kalau aku jumpa orang yang lagi superior. Barulah buku bertemu ruas. Barulah aku ada akai.

Tetapi ada sekali tu aku hampir bertemu dengan 'ruas' aku. Ada dalam satu perlawanan bola sepak melawan sekolah jiran, aku bermain sebagai penyerang. Jadi aku sering kali bertembung dengan salah seorang pemain pertahanan mereka. Rivalry antara sekolah kami sangat kuat, jadi banyak tolak menolak dan kekasaran berlaku dalam perlawanan tu. Sampai satu tahap, mungkin sudah fedup dengan kekasaranku, pemain pertahanan tu tidak dapat lagi menahan kesabaran lalu memegang kolar bajuku dan menggertakku. Aku takut gila time. Aku ingat lagi apa yang dia cakap kat aku.

"Kau jangan kurang ajar bro, kau tau tak aku sapa?" 

Dalam hati aku punya berdoa, janganlah kau cakap kau orang kampung belimbing, mati aku. Kampung belimbing ramai gangster.

"Aku....aku pengawas"

omgwtfbbq. Ok fine, tulis lah nama aku. Kasi demerit sekali naa. leymaa buat aku ketaq jaa.

Beware, Malware!

Couple of weeks ago, I experienced some trouble with my PC. Whenever I opened up my browser and tried to access a password-accessed websites like fb, twitter or e-mails, my browser came up with a warning that it detected a Sirefef Gen!c infection in my pc. It is a severe malware that could steal your password, lowered the performance of your pc and messed up your system.

The severity of the malware is so serious to the extend that my browser won't open up anything password-based. This malware also messed up my system that it prevented me from trying to install any security protection tools or a third party firewall on my PC. I tried a lot of troubleshooting but my effort was up to no avail. From my research this malware is a rootkit, a stealth type malicious software designed to hide in the existence of certain process and cannot be easily detected or removed.

It was driving me crazy to a point that I was contemplating to format my pc. But then again, final exam is just around the corner and I have lots of important study aids, notes and the likes of it saved in this pc. So I seek help from bleepingcomputer.com. Bleepingcomputer is a web-based community that provide technical support, computer help and security problem solving. Well basically it is a forum where people discuss about computer security and the likes of it. But of course, like any other internet forum there are other threads and topics that they discussed on.

So I opened a thread asking about my problem and a moderator expert, Satchfan came to my rescue. She said that my problem required elevated help and I have to follow her instruction carefully. Removing Sirefef Gen!c is a long process, but her instructions, with coloured font and layman terms simplified and made things easier. I had to prepare logs every time I troubleshoot and I had to run a series of tools and apps prepared for me. Best jugak, rasa macam programmer pun ada. haha.

And Alhamdulillah, after couple of weeks, my pc was up and running like new again. So guys, if you have a problem with your pc, feel free to pay bleepingcomputer.com a visit and asked away. Their friendly moderator will try their best to help you in any possible ways. Here's the link of my thread that I posted: Link. But of course they provided different instructions for different infections or PCs, but I just wanted to give out the idea of how helpful they are. So if you have problems, open a new thread and don't simply read and follow instruction from other threads even if you have the same infection as the threadstarter.

Safe computing!

Sime Darby scholarship

Received an email from a young'un asking me about Sime Darby scholarship. She got called up for an interview and was asking me for tips and advices. She mentioned that she read my interviews with New Strait Times online and that's when she looked up for me in Facebook. That's when I remember that I still have the full text interview with me. Well, it's a longer version than the one they published in NST and I figured it will be helpful for any potential scholars. Here's the selected, partial text of what I think is important

Oh and ignore the gesture remarks, it's an interview whaddya expect?

Please tell us which scholarship you received?

I received a scholarship from Yayasan Sime Darby. Trying to develop a sustainable future, Sime Darby through its foundation, has provided various type of scholarship programs for the future leaders. There are Underprivileged Sponsorship, Skilled Enrichment Sponsorship and also the Excellence Sponsorship which I was awarded with. YSD has also given out Star Scholarship for developing ‘potential stars’ in the field of arts, music, sports, environment and sciences. Azizulhasni, our national top cyclist is one of its recipients. 

Did you receive any other offers? If so, why did you pick this one over the other(s)?

I was offered several other scholarships such as JPA, Telekom and Yayasan Terengganu. But unfortunately by then I had already signed my contract with Sime Darby (laugh). But truth be told, if I was given the luxury to pick all over again, I would still pick Yayasan Sime Darby. This is because Yayasan Sime Darby has done a great job taking care of us scholars. The support that they gave is not just in monetary value, but also other aspects of our well being. We can always refer to them if we have problems. Also, annually we have a Scholar Development Program for us scholars be it local or overseas to gather and acquire soft skill to prep us for the working world. 

How did you apply for the scholarship (Online? Any payments involved? Did you get any help filling up the application?, etc)

For Yayasan Sime Darby, there is no paper used for the application. All are being done online. Even the call-up interviews were notified through e-mail. So you should always be on your toes. And always check your spam box just in case the e-mails ended up there. No payment is involved. 

Could you run us through each step of the application process?

For the application process, it consisted with two parts. The first part was pretty much standard; filling your details about yourself, your studies, achievement, etc. The second part was to answer several essay questions given to you. The questions weren’t that hard but it is crucial because the way you answer the questions might distinguish you from other candidates who probably is as good as you on paper. It took me around 45 minutes to answer the questions so make sure you have ample time before you started filling your application.

Was there an interview involved? If so, please give us a brief run through on the interview process?

Yes absolutely. It took me three interviews call up to finally secure the scholarship. Here’s a brief explanation regarding the assessment that I have undergone.

First call up:

There are two assessments that await candidates which is the impromptu speech and online assessment. In impromptu speech, candidates are given random general topics and are expected to present their views in a period of time. Up next, is the online assessment where candidate will be tested in their verbal and numerical ability using an online platform.

Second call up:

After the YSD team has shortlisted the candidates from their first call up performance, these potential candidates are being summoned for the second time. Candidates had to undergo three assessments which is group discussion, individual presentation and the competency based interview. Group discussion and individual presentation involve candidates to analyze case studies and deliver solution, ideas and views to the panelist. Competency based interview is an individual face to face interview to evaluate candidates values and traits.

Third call up:

The third call up is the final Interview. If you are called for the final interview, it is likely that the scholarship is already in the bag. It is an individual face-to-face interview with the panelist to gauge your career interest in Sime Darby and assess your values that fits into Sime Darby corporate culture.

However selection process might varies from year to year.

What do you think are the criteria that one has to have to receive this scholarship?

For me, an ideal candidate should have a great amount of general knowledge because it may help them in the interview. Candidate should also be clear and articulate in conveying their ideas and views. An ability to do abstract thinking is an advantage as it helps candidate to generate ideas from different perspective. 

What do you think set you apart from the other applicants?

Luck! (laugh) I think, maybe because I am bold. I dare to be different. I am not afraid to convey my opinion even if the majority says otherwise. For example, when candidates are asked ‘what is the most unethical things they have done in the past’, they tend to play it safe by saying the standard text-book answer like ‘plagiarism’ or ‘skipping class’. I, on the other hand, truthfully revealed nasty things about myself. Yes it might seems like suicide since you might be out of favor with the assessor, but try to reason and explain why you did what you did. I gave an analogy of how I play dirty in a football match by committing fouls against opposition team for the sake of winning. I even explained the dilemma I have to go through with people around me who thinks that’s not how the beautiful game is played. 

Any tips for the hopefuls who want to apply this year?

Do a lot of research about Sime Darby and Yayasan Sime Darby. And brace yourself, mentally and physically. During my time I had to travel to KL up to four times to attend interviews and ceremony. It is mentally exhausting not knowing what your fate holds. It is a long process, so patience is virtue. And also, just be yourself and have fun. 

What advice can you give for those who are unsuccessful in receiving a scholarship offer?

Keep on trying. It is not over till the fat lady sings. There are tons of scholarship out there up for grabs. You can always keep on applying even if you are already in uni. In the meantime, acquire new skills such as music lessons, foreign language or sports so that it can be an added value to your CV and scholarship application.

Withdrawal.

No, Im not talking about substance or chemical withdrawal here, though I do hope someday I'll be able to quit cigarettes again and whine about all the withdrawal syndrome I suffered.

This time we're talking about social withdrawal, some call it social isolation. 

You see, I love being under pressure. I think it brings the best out of me, and I think I perform best under pressure. I think I've written about it somewhere, so there's no need for me to waste your time talking about 'ohh,  i love pressure so much' like Im some bloody nymph I could make love to it all night long.

But there's a certain downside to it. You see, everybody handles pressure in a different way,  right? So when  I am under immense pressure, I tend to suffer an episode of withdrawal. That's when I started isolating myself from people around me and started locking myself in my room. 

I wanted time for myself to deal with these pressures. When I say deal, tak bermaksud aku duduk dalam bilik, campak barang kat dinding, tumbuk cermin or terbalikkan meja and the likes of it. Nothing like that. It is likely for me to sit down, focusing on the problem and try to solve it. So for example, if the cause of the stress is from an upcoming assignment submission, I'll be in my room doing what else, the assignment.

But generally speaking, most men are like that. If you read  the book 'men from mars, women from venus', in chapter 3 stated the difference. When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

The more stressed he is, the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he may be incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives. Women, unlike men, they like to share their problems so that they can relieve their stress. This is why sometimes stress could stretch relationships, because women wanted to talk to someone, while men don't.

Okay back on topic. When I am under pressure, dalam bahasa mudahnya, aku jadi tak berdunia. I don't talk to people, I don't pick up phone calls, tak makan, I get annoyed easily, I pushed people away, and other withdrawal antiques you could think of. Especially time exam. Kalau ada kawan-kawan call/text nak tanya apa-apa, it took hours for me to reply. Tu pun kalau ingat nak reply/return their calls. 

Sekarang takpa lagi, tak ada family sendiri and tak ada anak-anak. Nanti dah ada isteri, anak-anak, boss, tanggungjawab2 lain, takkan nak buat macam ni jugak? I must sort out my shit.

Bandar Bersejarah

Sorang lagi budak Sungai Putat akan kahwin. Nasir. The reception is going to be on the 1st June kat dewan library bukit baru. Although I promised myself to attend all my Putatian friend's wedding, I am seriously contemplating this one, sebab time tu study week and dah dekat dengan exam. But then again, nasir kot yang  nak kahwin. Orang yang pernah susah senang dengan aku. Lagi pun rindu gila kot dengan melaka dan kawan-kawan lain. I'm sure everybody will be there. 

It seems like I never talked much about my malacca life here. Tak silap aku since I started writing, I only mentioned malacca once, tu pun sebab aku attend wedding ijoi. Maybe it's difficult for me to open up about it cause it'll only open up old wounds. But it wasn't all that bad. I think my time there had been an eye opener and a life defining moment for me. Banyak benda yang aku experience kat sana yang betul-betul bentuk diri aku yang sekarang. 

If I were to look at it positively, my time there was as though I travelled backpacking doing some soul searching. But the messed up, self loathing me always thought of it as if it was some kind of dark ages, zaman kejatuhan or the likes of it.

Selalu sangat nak fokus at the bad times. Sedangkan banyak ja benda yang baik yang boleh point out. 

Main futsal sampai subuh kat Cheng. All those football watching at subai mitc, habeeb, cahaya dinar and the likes. Jamming kat sparkles, ice. Representing mmu in futsal tournaments. Main bola pulak dengan Gajah Behrang. Kalau ada sapa2 dok jiwa kacau, nanti pi lepak kt klebang smbil mengenang nasib. Pastu buat otak seminit plan itu, plan ini. Dah sampai dah asam pedas kota laksamana, tiba-tiba we decided asam pedas pasar borong lagi best. Jenuh pulak nak travel all the way to the other side of town. We  lived like kings. 

Lollygagging and all this fooling around aside, I managed to learn a lot about myself. What I want, what i want to become, and it doesn't just stop there. I learn to adjust my perception of reality, man the list goes on. I can't even tell or describe it. What I know is this; that this experience and life-lesson can't be bought elsewhere. That's how valuable it is to me. You can't learn it in class. You've got to go out there and experience it yourself.

Enough rambling. I can't make up my mind yet whether I should go or not. I dont know yet. But what I know is this; should I step my foot in Melaka, aku akan pasang lagu ni sambil ronda Bukit Beruang.

Ubah

Bukan ubah Putrajaya. This is not a political post, I can assure you. :) 

Ok so I was surfing lowyat.net today doing my usual thangg like cursing, trolling and involving myself in important discussions like 'ninja vs pirate:who will win?' tiba-tiba aku terdetik nak masuk thread cupid corner. Haha selalu aku masuk kopitiam, garage sale and sports ja. Sbb aku salu assume threads kat cupid corner ni mesti serious dan jiwang belaka. And orang yg post kat situ pun mesti jenis loser2 yang mengadu masalah depa kena friendzone.

I was wrong. Banyak jugak kaki troll dalam thread tu. Anyway panjang sangat cita, dipendekkan, aku jumpa   quote ni: 

A woman marries a man hoping that he will change. A man marries a woman hoping she will never change.

This quote also serves well as a joke, because the opposite is usually true. Man doesnt change and woman change. Or take the joke to another level, especially the second part 'hoping she will never change' it could also mean physically. Dulu aku kawan dgn hang slim ja. La nih..aku nak tidoq pun tak cukup katil. 

So today, I spend some time trying to make sense of the quote. Especially the first part of the quote: A woman marries a man hoping that he will change. All this while, I have these little hunches that girls love us for our potential. I'm not saying that they don't love us for who we are in the present. But most girls, no, all girls are future oriented. Sure, they are attracted to who you are right now, but a larger proportion of the 'attraction' come from thinking about what will you be in the future and how she could benefit from it.

Hang kerja supervisor gaji 2000 MYR, seorang perokok tegar, sewa rumah apartment n pakai kereta kia forte. Masa first date, bila hang bagi statistik2 ni kat depa, dlm otak depa dah buat regression equation dah macam mana hang akan jadi seorang manager bergaji 5000 MYR, ada rumah corner lot, pakai Camry dan berhenti merokok. 

Women are like that. They love guys with big potential. They love finding a rough diamond and polish them into a beautiful end product. The polishing is done through support, love, and tak lupa jugak; leteran yang membingitkan telinga. Unlike women, us men want the end product right away. "I want my perfect woman now" Which explains why some times we don't like change. Because of the perception of perfect is changing from our points of view.

But guys don't get disheartened. We could play this differences into our advantage. If you like this girl, drop all your statistic and characteristic subtly. Do some upward or downward social comparison. (goggle it). If you think this girl is higher than you, you oversell yourself. Exaggerate some truth about you. Kalau hang pi karnival kesukarelawan sbb nak tgk Najwa Latif, exaggerate la skit cakap yang hang suka buat kerja-kerja volunteerism and philantropic ni (and avoid mentioning Najwa Latif). If you think this girl is beneath you, it's fine, just be yourself or try to undersell yourself.  

The idea is basically simple. Tawan, dapat dan belakang kira. Maksudnya di sini, bagi dapat ja dulu pastu nanti apa2 jadi, belakang kira. You bend or exaggerate some truth and make them like you. Tak payah jadi gentleman sngat. We only rig the game at the beginning, so it's okay. Beg, steal, lie, cheat. Whatever. Bila dah dapat nanti belakang kira.

Because macam mana kita usaha pun, it is likely that we won't meet up to their expectation. But here's the twist. It's difficult for them to leave us. They love our potential so much that it will be hard for them to move on. Depa akan pikiaq "Ish ruginya kalau aku tinggalkan laki ni dan biarkan perempuan lain yang benefit dari segala usaha aku"

Selamat mencuba. Tapi kalau nak senang, dan kalau nak mengelakkan konflik yang besar di masa akan dtg cuba ja ubah. It won't hurt to try.

keMALASetan ekonomi

If you watch football or if you're a manchester united fan, you might not like Dimitar Berbatov. He used to play for four seasons at Old Trafford. He made a significant contributions to the Red Devils, winning individual and team accolades altogether. But his style of play is regarded as 'lacking' for someone who dons the red shirt by some of the fans. 

Ada orang cakap dia malas, tak suka lari and tak fit unlike his other industrious team mates. Tapi SAF selalu defend Berbatov cakap that's just his style and if he wasn't good enough, how can he banged goals left and right? SAF also said that Berbatov is brilliant in reading the game, and he's very much an economical player. Economical in the sense that dia akan conserve energy dia and lari bila perlu. He is brilliant in such ways that whenever he smells an opportunity, he'll be at the right place and at the right time to do something for the team. 

Phew, selesai analogi dan mukadimah. lulz. Aku nak cita pasai aku sebenarnya. 

Sem ni aku cukup RAJIN tak pi kelas. Ha terer dak aku menggunakan perkataan yang positif dalam konteks yang negatif? Aku rasa kita patut lebih amalkan cara ni untuk sampaikan benda yang negatif sebab psychologically speaking, people will feel less-threatened dan lebih open untuk terima apa yang kita nak cakap. For example, kalau groupmate kita tak buat lagi assignment part dia, kita boleh cakap "Bro I'm not happy with you not doing our assignment" instead of "Bro, I'm bloody angry with you for not doing our assignment."

Shessh, off topic lagi.  Okay berbalik kpd topik. Sem ni aku cukup rajin tak pi kelas. I think this sem is my worst attendance record ever. But I'm not worried. Dulu masa final year time diploma pun macam ni jugak. Yes motivations play a part. Mungkin sebab dok pikiaq nak habes nak habes nak habes. But it's not down to just motivation as much as tactical. Being in usm for almost two years, I think I already mastered the tricks and trades of surviving degree life.

I started prioritizing. And like Berbatov, I tried to conserve my energy into things that really matter.  Kalau aku rasa pergi class tu tak beneficial kat aku, aku tak pi la. Bukan sebab sombong dengan ilmu atau bkn sbb rasa diri dah tere ka apa, tp kadang-kadang masuk kelas tu rasa macam takdak function. Sembang ja lebih. Baik baca kat rumah. And macam-macam lagi decision makings yang aku buat (or at least try buat) economically. Macam studying. Instead of doing a full-blown revision; reading from cover to cover, I now concentrate more on answering exercises and latih tubi. 

I used the first three sem in usm to achieve effectiveness, and now I am trying to achieve efficiency. Kita mungkin boleh sembuhkan penyakit (effective), tapi kita kena tau jugak cara paling mudah, selamat dan cepat untuk sembuhkan penyakit tu (efficiency). Supaya kita dapat capai economy of scale. haha mcm kelas intro to management pulak. 

Or mungkin aku syok sendiri. Dok sembang pasai ekonomilah, conserve energy lah. Entah-entah I just made that up just to feel better about myself. Padahl aku mmg betul pun malas. That one we have to wait and see lah.

Okay habis. Moral of the story is, don't you dare talk shit about king berbatov

E day.

Bukan engagement day, tapi election day. This is actually the first time that I am eligible to vote. Nah, i wont talk about politics now that Im sure everybody is getting sick with all the lies and slander thrown at us each day. So just wanted to share something positive. I'm listing down all old frees yang bertanding untuk pilihanraya kali ni. 

P 62 Sg Siput Perak Dr Michael Jeyakumar Devaraj.

P140 Segamat Datuk S.Subramaniam.

P 57 Parit Buntar Dato Mujahid Yusof Rawa.

N 40 Telok Bahang Datuk Abdul Halim Hussain.

P 53 Balik Pulau Muhammad Bakhtiar

P 44 Permatang Pauh Dr Abdullah Zawawi.

P 50 Jelutong Ng Fook Onn.

P 51 Bukit Gelugor Teh Beng Yeam.

N 36 Pantai Jerejak Wong Mun Hoe.

N 2 Bertam Shariful Azhar Othman.

No matter what party they come from, Im sure they're going to do good by the rakyat. Ng Fook Onn is contesting for my parliamentary seats (P50). And tomorrow I'm voting at Penang Free School. It'll be awesome to vote for an old free in penang free itself. Hold it. Undi anda adalah rahsia. Mana leh gitau aku nak undi sapa :P Bak kata orang penang, YMTT.