Hurtin

Our exams result were out today. I think I did okay. Although I got a decent result, I missed out on the dean list, once again. Yeh this is not my first as last semester I had also missed out from being  in the list by a 0.01 gpa margin. Yes, that's a 3.49. And until today I still couldn't stop from beating myself up. So near yet so far. And this semester I missed out on a slightly larger margin. So for two consecutive semester I failed to get my gpa above that 3.50 marker. I was really freaked out upon seeing my result.

It give me a scare because this means I'll be getting into trouble with my sponsor. When I signed the contract I kinda remembered parts of the clause in it that required me to maintain a 3.5 gpa every sem. And all of a sudden regrets rained over me. Menyesal sebab ambik major yang susah. Menyesal sebab pulun nak abeskan jugak pengajian in 3 years. Menyesal sebab tak pilih JPA dulu (sbb jpa lenient). Seribu satu penyesalan. With huge disappointment, I went over to check on my contract to see what's the worst that could happen to me.

And then I found this: 

  

Lega. It requires the cgpa, not gpa. So I am still safe for the time being as my cgpa is still above the minimum requirement. Mula nak mai menyesal kot lain pulak. Because since my cgpa is still above the minimum requirement, this means i could virtually get a dean list every sem kalau aku susun timetable aku betul-betul. Mulaa dah...shesh. Tapi syukur sangat-sangat. Kadang-kadang Allah tak bagi apa yang kita nak, tapi Dia bagi apa yang kita perlu. Rasa sangat-sangat malu dengan Allah sebab for being so selfish and for ever thinking that I know what's best for me. Sedangkan Dialah yang Maha Mengetahui.  

How pathetic of me for eagerly wanting that dean list, that  bragging rights. Tengok, niat pun dah tak betul. Macam mana Allah nak kabul. Nasib baik Allah masih sayangkan aku. I mean, this could also be a gentle reminder for me to not get complacent. Mungkin ada benda dalam life aku yang tak berkat or mungkin aku lalai dalam tanggungjawab aku terhadapNya. Probably that solat yang kerap dilengah-lengahkan. Probably it's because of my foul mouth. Or probably because I got cocky and riak. This is a wake up call for me to improve and sort myself out.

I am still beating myself out, even blogging about it makes my heart ache. But I want to time-capsuled this disappointment. I want to remember what it feels like, so that when I reread this post in the future, I know what to do: To work harder. To be a better person. Lepas ni dah takda excuse dah. There's no more major subjects and instead of 21 units, I'll be having only 18. Im still within touching distance to finish with a first class degree, so Imma work on that. Kalau dapat first class degree boleh skip master, sambung phd. Not that I have any plans yet, but I'd like to have that option in the future. Final semester, here I come.