zero, zilch nada.

Deprived me of my manhood. What do I get in return?

Huaaa

Abes sudah exam. Exam paling malas and paling cincai pernah aku buat. Haih. Tadi paper Human Resource Management pun susah. Pfftt. Dahla buta-buta ja confirm hilang 10 markah. Urgh. Hopefully the rest ok and salah pun tak banyak so boleh make up to the 10 marks loss. :) Anyway, quoting naqiuddin; don't cry about what you have done, smile because it’s over…. hope i did okay or at least i did enough, so that aku boleh kejar balik nanti.

I ym'ed Madam Idayu complaining about how hard her paper was, and apart from her trademark banter towards me >.<, she said nvmd hero kalh dulu. lol Lagipun I always did badly pun for her mid term paper. Out of 6 semesters, she had taught me for 4 sems and never once I had aced her mid term paper. sobs. Okay enough about exams. Exam is over, but school's not over yet. We still have another week to go. Sobs. Malasnya. Rasa cam nak cuti jaa cepat2. Dahla assignment satu apa pun tak start lagi :(

As for this coming eid mubarak prep, I had done a little shopping for myself. This year I opt for the minimalist theme as financial is very tight. Sobs. Bought shirts and baju melayu so far. I noticed the change in taste too. All shirts bought so far are collared shirt. Tak beli pun t-shirt round neck apa bagai. Haha sbb kawan dgn makcik kot dats why la beli collared shirt, konon2 nak attune to makcik's image as a future pharmacist >.<. Anyway, here's a sneak peak to satisfy your premonition ;-)

Haha aku pun taktau colour apa ni. Biru kehijauan? Hijau kebiruan? to us guys only basic colours exist,you know, like blue, red, green. Peach, beige, violet is not a colour.And dont make me start with sky blue, cerise, papaya whip, you do not want me to go there. I'll go mak nenek over such ridiculous colour. Grr. Okay people going off now. Ada orang tu nak dapat phone baru *jeles*. Anyway here's Najwa in her shopping cart. Haha. Gedik tui adik aku sorang ni.

Pemburuan Tahkhta Keenam

Ok I have to admit. I am under a little pressure here. I've only been doing little studying and lots of time-wasting. Argh. Come on Azmil, you need to get you act together man. Banyak chapter kpt kena cover. Plus, there are abundant theories that I need to understand and memorize. What a pain in the butt. Grr. Subjects like operations management and strategic management is really killing me. And yeah, entrepreneurship is killing me too. Yes indeed, it is an easy subject whereas you had learnt all of the elements from semester 1 up until semester 5. But the downside is, yang ajaq aku entrepreneurship is Mr A, lecturer yang ajar aku OB sem lepas.

For those yang taktau cita can refer here. I dont want to get into details about what he has done this time, maybe later. But tell you, the guys a twat. Dahla tak bagi notes, padahal he promised he'll give it to us. Pastu dok sindir2, camdek2 and kutuk2 kami. Urgh moving on. Pemburuan takhta kali ni is different. For the first time in my preparation takda cigarettes. Im really scared that it might effect my performance. But it's even more scarier to realise that all this while I've been depending on cigarettes in my life. So this would be an opportunity for me to prove that I can excel without nicotine.

Only problem is, I'm bloody lazy. I havent done any productive things so far let alone studying OM. My mind wanders off I cant concentrate. I spent 3 hours covering 1 chapter tadi. Urgh. I need to focus man. Banyak sngt fikir psal tettt. I need to get rid of these distractions. Another reason why aku rasa aku malas is because I've been quitting smoking. Dont get me wrong. I know I sounded as if like I want to imply that quitting was a mistake but it's not. Bukannya nak cari salah orang/benda lain but it's the truth. When I was in that hellish withdrawal period (the first two weeks), I've mastered the art of procrastinating and delaying.

The art of procrastinating lol, is a skill that I need to master in order to handle my addictions and cravings. Whenever I felt like I want to smoke, I will do or think something to delay the act until my cravings subside. The more cravings I have the more procrastinations was needed. Alhamdulillah I have hurdled through that period, tapi skill procrastination a.k.a skill bermalas-malasan ni masih lagi dok terbawak-bawak sampai skarang. Urgh. Ya Allah kuatkan semangat aku untuk menempuhi dugaan kali ini. Anyway that's about it. Nak pi Big Apple beli Donashi, haha semalam takdan pi beli. Bye

Lagu Hari Ini 9

Sayang- Mia Palencia of Double Take

Jangan marah, sayang
Jangan hampa
Jangan sedih, sayang
Jangan berduka

Kita bebas berlari ke hujung dunia
Tanganku sedia menunggu masa

Dunia ini, sayang
Penuh cabaran
Hati orang, sayang
Pandai berdendam

Kita bebas berterbang ke hujung angkasa
Bulan bintang menunggu kedatangan kita

Ayuh sayang
Ayuh sayang
Mari kejar kebenaran.

Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Mulut ini, sayang
Takkan berdusta

Kita bebas berenang ke hujung lautan
Ombak-ombak tak kenal makna kekejaman

Ayuh sayang
Ayuh sayang
Mari kejar kebenaran

Berlari, berlari bersama
Menyanyi, menari bersama

Cinta ini, sayang
Bukan biasa
Ayuh sayang,

Kekusutan

As mentioned above, Im a mess. In couple of months, I'll be finishing my studies. Now Im starting to worry about my education path after this. Unlike me, some of my friends have already figured out what they want to do after this. Ada yang nak further finance, ada yang nak apply accounting, even ada yang nak apply perguruan (>.<). I wish it was just as easy for me. But I really need to think carefully and weight all my options I have in my hand. I do not want to make rash decisions and live in regret.

Ipta or ipts?

They say Azmil cant survive ipta sbb azmil jenis takdak law mya orang. What the fish aku takdak law! haha but when i think about it, they are not entirely wrong. Apa barang pakai formal2 ni. Apa barang park kereta/moto kat luaq pastu brjalan pi kelas. Apa barang register subject online. Apa barang kena balik awai sbb curfew. (>.< ) Tapi tipu la kalau aku kata aku tak tringin nak blajar ipta. And banyak plak duit mak pak aku nak antaq aku pi ipts.

Penang or somewhere other than Penang?

Yes, people scold me for being so narrow minded. They say someone of my calibre should be considering 'local or abroad' instead of penang or somewhere other than penang. Tbh, I dont really fancy a chance to study abroad. For me, studying abroad is a long shot. Bukan senang2 ja boleh pi. Kena apply ituini, kena ada duit, kena ada kabel, mcm2 lagi. And I really feel like I should be staying near to my folks. Taking care and looking after them. I am greatly indebted to them, for keeping faith in me when I screwed up, times and times again.

Financial Security.

Kalau boleh, I want to further my studies without making my parents pay even a cent. Like I said, they've done enough. So Im hoping that I could secure a scholarship or at least a convertible loan in my degree studies. After all, the reason why I work my socks off in my studies is to obtain a scholarship so I dont have to trouble my folks. Haha once you are spoiled living with the luxury that MARA had given you, you could never imagine studying without that monthly allowance. And the book allowance. And the thesis allowance. And the computer allowance. And..

Courses.

They said that always take the one that you enjoy the most, but sadly I enjoy all of them. I love them as much. Every one of them. Accounts, Finance, Banking, Insurance, Economics, Marketing, Operations, etc. How can I decide la like this? pffttt.. Besides Im also pondering whether I should try my luck and apply actuarial science. Urgh. Kalau dah suka semua baik ambik biz admin. Tapi aku tak gemar nak blajaq serba serbi. Konon2 all rounder laa. I dont want to be the jack of all trades, master of none.

Well actually banyak lagi element yang aku kna consider. These four only came out from on top of my head, but theres plenty more. Ahhh..nnt la fikir lain. Skarang mari concentrate dgn pemburuan takhta keenam. Bye.

Premier League, Season Opening.

The Premier League is starting today. Woot. After a month away from the World Cup and the Summer break, now they're back. Some of the highlights that should be mentioned here is Liverpool's acquisition of Joe Cole, ManCity bought David Silva and Mario Ballotelli, the first Mexican signings by Manyoo in the form of Hernandes and Chelsea signing Ramires to help them defend their title for another season. Thinking about what's in store in the Premier League this season already makes me salivate. haha.

Dulu in Barclays people will always talk about the big four and how strong they are. Well in case if you're living under a tempurung somewhere, the so called big four consists of Manyoo, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool. And the fans called them the big four because they are table topper who will occupy the top four spot in the league. But now, things are getting more challenging. The big four are gone now. With the likes of ManCity, Tottenham and Aston Villa entering the frame, the competition is getting tougher.

Now everything is set. Fantasy team pun dah buat dah. Oh which reminds me that I managed to convince her to join playing the fantasy football as well. Haha it seems like she looks forward to it. Semangat, siap tukar Carlos Cuellar off her team since Cuellar is injured and cant play. It's our first fantasy football season. Haha. You know how people do and remember certain things that they do with their partner? You know, like their first date, their first movie, their first fight etc. Well this is our first fantasy football season. Haha.

Well actually that's not the point. The point I'm trying to convey here is that I should not be worried and I should not feels inferior. Lately the past is lurking her from far away, to my knowledge, and to my dismay. They had a history together. Theres no way I could top what the past did. I need more time. But the past is the past. He had his chance and he blew it. And no matter how many first they had carved, Im sure we'll have our very own; now and in the future. Plus it's not the first that counts, it's the last. The forevermore. The rest of your life.

Kota Ibu Kota

Assalamualaikum. Im sorry I havent updated much lately. A lot been going on with my life lately but I dont think I can share it here because they are too personal and they might mislead people. Plus this smoking cessation thingy had stalled me in that writing department. Usually I blogged with a cigarette in my hands, one after another until I completed a post. So now that there's no cigarette, I'm suffering with what they call as 'writer's block'. Haha budget penulis professional Azmil. Boo.

Anyway since Im in a good mood, I just want to recap a little thing or two about these ten days experience living without cigarettes. May i? May i? Boleh la. Boleh la. Boleh jugak. I know I already mentioned bout this in previous post, but I dont think that covers up everything. Plus, I was suffering from withdrawal and I wasnt in the right mind to post. I stopped smoking precisely at 12 am on the second of august. So up until now, I have not taken even a single inhalation of cigarette (eventhough at times I tried to negotiate with her to let me have a tiny bit of puff lol)

This is a huge thing for me. I know some people would go "cempera la hang, aku da 21 tahun tak isap rokok ang baru 10 hari tak isap rokok dok wat rancak" like nabila lol, but I dont care. It's bloody hard to quit. For someone like me to have nicotine flowing all over my body for so long, to have come this far is a bloody achievement. Plus, nicotine addiction has historically been one of the hardest addiction to break. If you ask me, quitting smoking would top all my achievements I had achieved in ict during my almost three years of studies.

Like I said, it's never easy to stop smoking. You've got to have a very high determination and motivation in order to quit. You've got to fight that cravings and addictions you have. And dont let me get started with the withdrawals. It was/is a living hell. I becomes easily annoyed, always anxious, easily got impatience and Im also having difficulty concentrating. But Alhamdulillah with the support from family and friends, I've managed to shake them off a little and keep going. They are the reason why Im still here.

Im not trying to get a full of myself, but I consider myself 85% smoke free. After all I've been through with all sorts of temptations plus the approaching fasting months, Im quite confidence. Anyway got to go. Iftar with those Toastmaster friends. WIshing everyone a blissful and a delightful ramadhan, and let us take this opportunity to double up the goodness in us. Have a great one people.

gedik

haha gedik gila Azmil. Actually the post earlier was written yesterday. So what I felt yesterday got nothing to do with what I feel today. ;-) haha saja ja nak post jugak apa aku tulis semalam sbb rasa cam rugi jaa. (>.<) I felt way and much much better today after I talked to her last night. As usual she always give me that strength that I much needed. Thanx hun! She also threw a little something which makes me so pump up to complete the task. I mean before this pun memang we already had an arrangement, but yesterday she raised the bet reward. ;-)

haha nnt2 lah, right now I really need to concentrate on this particular task. It has been a week and Im very proud I have come this far. Lepas ni tak gadoh sngt because I can easily rationalize my craving by telling myself how far that I got, and it would be a shame to give up at this point. Yeay me.I wont forgive myself if I fail. I really really really really want this. Plus Im really looking forward to the day she threw her perigi cannot cari timba theory :P ok toddles

Losing

I feel like I am slowly losing everything. I feel really weak,as if everything is out of my reach. I know as a muslim, we must admit and acknowledged that higher power exist; that divine fate Allah bestow upon us. But it still hurts to see someone you love suffers. I feel really hapless because things is not under our control and there's nothing I can do accept pray and hope for the best.

There are too many things happening in a very short time, and it feels like im losing grip in all battles Im currently fighting. Damnit. Yesterday I felt so vulnerable and so weak I almost had a cigarettes. It was a close one. I barely came out of the 'fight' alive. With all things that had happened, it it almost possible to control yourself and handle your withdrawal. Grr, why does it have to be this fucking hard?

I know, I curse a lot these days. All the time Im speaking vulgar language most times I hurt the people around me. Experiencing withdrawal does not give you the right to be a jerk. Haih. Ok bye, takdak mood nak tlis. fucking retard.

Lagu Hari Ini 8

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean
I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart

But it might me a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Gonna come out anyway

The golden thumb rule.

I have my very own golden thumb rule which I hold on to, firmly. Among many is never bring a girl to a shop that sells shiny and sparkling stuff. Recently, I brought Iera to Syarikat Pinang to book medals and trophies for her bowling tournament. My God it takes ages for Iera to make up her mind. Haha. It took us about one hour jugakla to finally decide on the trophies. Masuk kedai camtu dia jadi rambang mata. Suma pun cantik. Suma pun nak. lol If it it were me, I would enter, look around the store for about 5 minutes, choose which one I want and voila, Im already on my way home.

Another golden thumb rule that I've hold on to, is only meet the-girl-that-you-like's friends after the third date/outing. It is very likely that her friend will look at every single things you do, from head to toe; so you have to bring your A game on. One selfish reason why I only see the friends only after the third date is because I need her to really like me and to be comfortable with me first. So if I failed the 'friends evaluation' test it wont be so bad cause she wont listen much to her friends. Haha. Pecah tembelang. Haha tapi tu dulu la. Now it's more about worrying that I might screwed up and there wont be another outing, and thats bad, cause Im really into her. :)

So in one week, I have broken two of my proud self-made thumb of rule. Usually I dont simply change my system just like that cause if it works, why change? But it's not so bad after all. I got to learn how to pick the best value for money stuff and ehem, I also passed the friends evaluation test. Haha. Change is not a bad thing. Speaking of change, I have decided to quit smoking tomorrow. I've spent hours in my room today just thinking about this. Man, this is not an easy task, I know. To even begin to think of it is effking scary already. Im not just scared of handling my addiction, Im scared if I cant handle the change too.

Like I said, if it works why change? Cigarettes have been my best friend for quite some time. Through good and bad times, through that pressure mounting exam weeks, through those boring lectures and tutorials, you name it. They were always there for me. Im afraid that these changes would change my life for the worst. I cant study, I cant focus, i cant calm myself down, I cant stay awake, you know, things like that. It is a mountain to climb, because you are fighting against yourself. This is not a sport, or an examinations or a competition where all you have to do is beat and pwn your rivals where the strengths and weaknesses are different.

Why the rash decision? Simple. Her. You know how they said that each cigarettes cost you 5 minutes of your life? And tbh, no one has ever make me feel like this. She makes me want to live soo much so that I can have more time with her. If by quitting smoking would fancy my odds and minimize the risk, I'd definitely do it. Even for a fraction of seconds. I mean if they tell me that cigarettes only cost me 1 second of my life pun I'd definitely do it. Cause that 1 second is worth it. Plus we had our little arrangement if ever I succeed in my attempt. When you realized that you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want 'the rest of your life' to start as soon as possible.