Time after time

This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront this is not a love story. lol. Intro nak tiru cita 500 Days of Summer. Gedik tui. Haha. This post is sappy and lame but I swear this is the first and the last time I’ll ever blog about this. So bear with me, k blog. Today is the first of July. It’s been a solid 2 years since she left. We were together for like 5 years and all of a sudden it ended just like that. On this very same date.

Denial

Aku memang tak boleh terima when I first got the news. I cannot accept that my so called ‘love of my life’ is leaving. I was so caught up with the idea of the high school sweet heart thingy. You know, macam Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin. They were the high school sweet heart, waaayyy before Rooney plays football professionally. Through thick and thin, they stick together until one day Rooney made his break playing for Everton, and later for Manyoo. They were together masa susah, and they are still together to harvest the fruits of their success. During those days, I’ve been dreaming of having a girl that would stay through and through from the ‘nobody’ period to that ‘somebody’ period. I keep convincing myself that there must be a mistake and she was not in the right mind to make such decision. For a while, I became delusional.

Anger/Resentment

Aku tatau apa jadik, tapi macam semua benda aku nak marah/benci. Padahal kalau fikir2 balik, benda bukan teruk pun. Cepat gila aku melenting. Especially benda2 yang associates with her. All of a sudden I hate Grey’s Anatomy (because she love ‘em to death), Egypt football team (because she’s studying in Egypt) and lasagna (cause she used to make ‘em). Tabley blah. Bila fikir-fikir balik, macam kanyiaq mana baru ambik lesen L (cerita lain). It affected me in general too. It changed the way I viewed women. All I can see when I see a girl is the word ‘liar’, ‘menggelabah’, ‘gedik’ and some other vulgar words listed in Kamus Mencarut Azmil.

Bargaining.

During our last year in the relationship, she’s in Egypt studying there. Yeah, you don’t have to go all “told ya so” at me, I know. LDR is freaking hard to keep, I admit. Dengan time differentnya, dengan communication problemnya, macam2. Ok, kembali kepada topic. I don’t really knew what went wrong, and what is the problem. All I got is a phone call and a long written e-mail with all ‘this isn’t working for us’ bullcrap. I don’t really know much what’s the reason. So I thought if I could improve my life in certain aspects, I would be able to get her back. So I worked my ass off, to prove that I’m not over. That despite all failures I’ve been through, aku tak basi lagi. I still have something else to offer. If my footballing career is doomed, I still have other options. I aced in my examinations. My first semester triumph was solely dedicated to her. Punya mangkaq. Bukan study sebab Tuhan, family, or diri sendiri. Tapi sebab perempuan.

Depression.

This was a hard time. Like I said, I don’t really know what the main reason was so it was kind of hard for me to find closure. But I could never forget the support I received from families and friends who stood by me through all the difficult moment. I think it was all about managing my depression. Only time heals a broken heart, so while waiting I need to find a way to manage and minimize the depressions. I started by sorting out my life, prioritizing my goals. Little by little. I enjoy my single life. I meet new people. I started teaching tuitions and instruments. I even ran in the mpp elections. I study hard; not to win her back, instead I do it for Allah Almighty, families and friends. I believe that Allah has better plans for me.

Acceptance.

It took quite a long time to get over her. Maybe because we were too long together, so I have to familiarized myself living without her. And I was left hanging, so it was kind of difficult to find closure (brapa kali ulang da). Someone told me that moving on is when we are able to look back at old memories without feeling sad. I used to think that it was absurd, but she’s right after all. So instead of holding grudges and being uptight about it, I’d rather be grateful and thankful that she made me the man I am today. And instead of wallowing over what would have happened, it’ll be better to get excited over what would happen. All I can say is this: It hasn’t been the greatest two years of my life, neither the worst. But I’m happy with what I have and I’m looking forward to what life might throw at me in the future. WOot! Once again, tyvm.

Ok cun