Time after time

This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront this is not a love story. lol. Intro nak tiru cita 500 Days of Summer. Gedik tui. Haha. This post is sappy and lame but I swear this is the first and the last time I’ll ever blog about this. So bear with me, k blog. Today is the first of July. It’s been a solid 2 years since she left. We were together for like 5 years and all of a sudden it ended just like that. On this very same date.

Denial

Aku memang tak boleh terima when I first got the news. I cannot accept that my so called ‘love of my life’ is leaving. I was so caught up with the idea of the high school sweet heart thingy. You know, macam Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin. They were the high school sweet heart, waaayyy before Rooney plays football professionally. Through thick and thin, they stick together until one day Rooney made his break playing for Everton, and later for Manyoo. They were together masa susah, and they are still together to harvest the fruits of their success. During those days, I’ve been dreaming of having a girl that would stay through and through from the ‘nobody’ period to that ‘somebody’ period. I keep convincing myself that there must be a mistake and she was not in the right mind to make such decision. For a while, I became delusional.

Anger/Resentment

Aku tatau apa jadik, tapi macam semua benda aku nak marah/benci. Padahal kalau fikir2 balik, benda bukan teruk pun. Cepat gila aku melenting. Especially benda2 yang associates with her. All of a sudden I hate Grey’s Anatomy (because she love ‘em to death), Egypt football team (because she’s studying in Egypt) and lasagna (cause she used to make ‘em). Tabley blah. Bila fikir-fikir balik, macam kanyiaq mana baru ambik lesen L (cerita lain). It affected me in general too. It changed the way I viewed women. All I can see when I see a girl is the word ‘liar’, ‘menggelabah’, ‘gedik’ and some other vulgar words listed in Kamus Mencarut Azmil.

Bargaining.

During our last year in the relationship, she’s in Egypt studying there. Yeah, you don’t have to go all “told ya so” at me, I know. LDR is freaking hard to keep, I admit. Dengan time differentnya, dengan communication problemnya, macam2. Ok, kembali kepada topic. I don’t really knew what went wrong, and what is the problem. All I got is a phone call and a long written e-mail with all ‘this isn’t working for us’ bullcrap. I don’t really know much what’s the reason. So I thought if I could improve my life in certain aspects, I would be able to get her back. So I worked my ass off, to prove that I’m not over. That despite all failures I’ve been through, aku tak basi lagi. I still have something else to offer. If my footballing career is doomed, I still have other options. I aced in my examinations. My first semester triumph was solely dedicated to her. Punya mangkaq. Bukan study sebab Tuhan, family, or diri sendiri. Tapi sebab perempuan.

Depression.

This was a hard time. Like I said, I don’t really know what the main reason was so it was kind of hard for me to find closure. But I could never forget the support I received from families and friends who stood by me through all the difficult moment. I think it was all about managing my depression. Only time heals a broken heart, so while waiting I need to find a way to manage and minimize the depressions. I started by sorting out my life, prioritizing my goals. Little by little. I enjoy my single life. I meet new people. I started teaching tuitions and instruments. I even ran in the mpp elections. I study hard; not to win her back, instead I do it for Allah Almighty, families and friends. I believe that Allah has better plans for me.

Acceptance.

It took quite a long time to get over her. Maybe because we were too long together, so I have to familiarized myself living without her. And I was left hanging, so it was kind of difficult to find closure (brapa kali ulang da). Someone told me that moving on is when we are able to look back at old memories without feeling sad. I used to think that it was absurd, but she’s right after all. So instead of holding grudges and being uptight about it, I’d rather be grateful and thankful that she made me the man I am today. And instead of wallowing over what would have happened, it’ll be better to get excited over what would happen. All I can say is this: It hasn’t been the greatest two years of my life, neither the worst. But I’m happy with what I have and I’m looking forward to what life might throw at me in the future. WOot! Once again, tyvm.

Ok cun

Comfort Zone

Contoh Situasi A

Anda ada duit dalam bank. Tak banyak, tak sikit. Tapi cukup untuk anda membeli belah barang-barang kegemaran anda yang anda sudah lama aim. Nak dijadikan cerita the mall is having a sales, dimana inilah peluang keemasan anda untuk membeli barang-barangan tersebut pada harga yang lebih murah. Tetapi last2 anda tak beli pun barang tersebut. Bukan sebab duit tak cukup and bukan sebab anda nak berjimat pun. Tapi anda takut anda menyesal membeli barangan tersebut. Apabila duit masih di tangan anda, anda lebih rasa powerful. Maybe perasaan ‘mampu’ beli tu wujud. Jika anda spend awal2 duit tersebut untuk membeli barang A, anda akan rasa hapless apabila anda melihat barang B. Baik jangan spend, fikir anda.

Contoh Situasi B

Ali berkawan lama dah dengan Milah. They were the best of friends until one day Ali realized that he has feelings for her. Milah feels the same way too, and Ali knows that. Tapi Ali never make an effort to woo her, apatah lagi nak try to move on to the next stage of the relationship. Bukan sebab Ali bacul, takda teloq or tak berani. Tapi sebab Ali rasa what they already have is wonderful; by being bestfriend. Ali takut that he might found out something about Milah that will ruin the relationship. Ali jugak takut that she might found out something about him that she don’t like. Baik tak payah become an item, fikir Ali.

Contoh Situasi C

Aku baru ja bukak sebuah engineering firm. Sebagai sebuah small-medium enterprise in the country, money is very hard to come by. Aku sepatutnya awal2 lagi dah cari customer. Making calls and setting up appointments. Tapi aku dok bazir masa fikir macam mana nak susun pejabat aku, fikir pen apa yang aku nak guna untuk sign documents, and fikir colour apa yang sesuai untuk signboard pejabat aku. Padahal benda-benda ni kalau nak buat sat ja. The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something that I screwed up at. Baik aku take my own sweet time enjoying the moment, fikir aku.

I am that kind of a guy who’s afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Well, not all the time la of course. But most of the time, I’d rather play it safe in order for things to fit my views of the world. I am so afraid of mistakes, rejections, regrets, and things resulted from any ‘step-out-of-my-comfort-zone actions.’ It’s been a while since I made this kind of decisions; the last being my decision to run for student representative councils election a year ago. I wonder when the next one is going to be?

Noobtard

Selamat pengantin baru to my cousin Ridwan. It was a joyful weekend for the family and relatives. Alhamdulillah everything went well. And this is actually the first time I participated in marriage reception as a responsible adult. I mean, before this the only part of a reception I’ve been involved in was makan, makan and makan. So this time it’s a wee bit different as I was involved in numerous occasions in the wedding. Ridhwan married a Penangite so the receptions were made only a day apart. Hari Sabtu dekat Balik Pulau and hari Ahad dekat Sunshine Banquet Hall.

Mama was the one responsible in making the hantaran, so we the siblings helped her out decorating and stuff. On Saturday, everybody gathered at our house nak shoot off to balik pulau together. After the aqad, the bride’s family brought us to a rented-by-day house so that we could rest while waiting for the bride and the groom to get changed. It was by the river at Kuala Sungai Pinang. The view was breathtaking and awesome. I will definitely go lepak there whenever I’m free during college hours.

And oh, Trueblood season 3 was premiered today and currently I’m downloading the first episode. 250mb more to go, cant wait. Thehee. Been watching all WC matches as well. Some with the family and some with friends. Im getting sick with the girlfriends that my friends brought along with them. What a bunch of noob. World Cup tak ada Manchester United ok? And don’t simply support England because you know Steven Gerrard, John Terry (because of his sex scandal) and Ashley Cole (only because he was Cheryl’s ex-hubbeh). Just because you know them doesn’t mean you can support membabi buta. If you were to support a team do it out of passion, not fame.

Such a mood spoiler. A bunch of noobtard. Im definitely imposing the strictly-no-girlfriend’s ban in our next get together. What a bimbo. Ok Azmil enough. Release your angry chakras. Woo saahh. Woo saaaahhhhh. Speaking of chakras, teringat pasal Full Metal Alchemist. Haha macam mana boleh teringat pasal FMA tah. Chakras-Naruto-Manga-Full Metal Alchemist. Get it? People always ask me how my mind could stretch and escalate from topics to topics, which pissed me off at times. Okay, back to fma. Sadly fma had come to an end. Last Friday was their final volume and another great manga has come to an end. L

Sanavabish

Hello blog. Im back in Penang now. Am frigin tired but the trip was a delight. This is one of the best road trip I’ve been into. A road trip is supposed to be fun and spontaneous. We never really plan our trip. We stopped where we wanted to stop, we rested whenever we wanted to, we fooled around and we decided to things spontaneously. The supposed 6 hours jouney became a 10 hours journey. Along with your favorite people in the car with good music and lotsa time and money in your hand, I couldn’t ask for more!

It’s been a whole year since my last visit and I was amused with how Melaka had changed in just a year. Ali Rustam did a good job, kudos. We made it to Ijoi’s akad nikah on Friday evening. And on Friday night, we had futsal with almost everybody whom touched my heart and soul during my short-but-wonderful stint in Malacca. Faruk, Kuga, Pakwan, Mirul, Zul J, Zul M, Nasir, Waru, Apek, Faique, Ejai, Faizal and Hamzi played well. It is as though I am hundred of miles lagging behind them.

We also get to spend precious time catching up, ripping each other, kutuk-mengutuk, usik-mengusik etc. Not too long ago I posted about how I felt inferiors of lagging behind my friends. Well, when it came to these guys, I would never be. These are the guys who had been with me through thick and thin. These colourful people had been with me from the beginning. I have their back in difficult times and they never judged me. No matter how much I’m lagging behind their support makes me feels as if we’re standing on the same grounds. Too bad a few people Im expecting to see couldn’t make it. Nevermind. Maybe next time.

The after-wedding: lepaking with the bridegroom. Gambar cilok.

The next day, we attended Ijoi’s reception. I get to meet more friends, Apam, Fatah and Syazwan to name a few. It went well with the exception of some schmuck ruining the wedding with their off pitch, out of tune karaoke singing. During this trip, I realized that whenever we lepak, we tend to discuss and merapiks about marriage, our career, our first car etc. That sanavabish Ijoi really pulled the trigger on us. He really makes us want to sort out our future as soon as possible. And as for me, I did something that I’ve never done for the past two years. Thinking about the long term plan. All this while, I’ve been only focusing on my short terms plan. Hell, I only been thinking about what to do in my life in no less than five days in advance.

Indeed, it is kinda early for Ijoi to be married. He skipped the bachelor life:- the life where you go mad collecting gadgets and gears, staying in a one room studio, drive a two seater sports car, travel to Europe to watch your favorite team plays football live etc. Instead, he skipped past one stage to the married life:- the life where you become fat, staying in a semi-d (or a bungalow), drive a family mpv, and enduring whining and complaining for the rest of your life. But still, that sanavabish pulled the trigger well. Makes us curious, what is it like to be living a married life. Semoga ke anak cucu.

Juga gambar cilok.

Ok cun

The holiday

Hey blog.. I hate holidays. Wah, intro mau ala-ala novel chick flick yang aku baca adik aku dok baca. Where were we? Oh, ok I hate holidays. Especially this time of the year. Time nilah ramai budak2 IPTA/IPTS balik cuti. Time nilah jugak budak2 yang study overseas balik Malaysia, summer holiday kata mereka. Soon, the country will be swarmed of students on holiday with nothing much to do. So this is the best time for them to hang out with their long lost/separated friends, catching up kata mereka. Well, where does “I hate holidays” got anything to do with it? Erm, the part di mana proses catching up tu involves me.

Great. Flame me all you want blog, but for the past few years I have been avoiding them. Tak kira kawan pfs or kawan mrsm. To be honest, I don’t really know why. When I think about it, I can come up with hundreds of reasons answers. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I’m feeling inferior. Maybe I’m a wuss. Maybe I’m a loser. Maybe I’m a loser and I can’t deal with it. Maybe I’m a loser and I can deal with it but can’t deal with what people might think of me. Maybe Im a kiasu. Maybe Im being plain paranoid, given brapa banyak maybe aku fikir daa..

I’ve been avoiding text messages, phone calls, sampai to the extend aku terpaksa offline YM and MSN seeing how persistent they are in trying to contact me. *sigh. I mean come on, what is there to catch up? To them maybe a lot. But to me, nah. Nothing much. I can easily sum up my life with ‘Yeah, I threw away my SD scholarship just to pursue a career in football but failed after I got injured. Ok, aku balik dulu, aku dah habis catch up dah.’ Or in a more detailed, literal way:

Ali: Aku nak kahwin Jun ni. Pas kahwin aku nnt balik moscow and abeskan MD aku. After a year, aku nanti balik mesia, buat housemanship. Tak pun aku sambung. Aku ingat nak specialize in neurology eh, oncology la best sket, eh cardiology la, lagi kaya.

Azmil: Congrats weh! Aku..aku..aku.. aku tak abes lagi diploma.

Ok fine maybe aku ada inferiority complex. Ataupun memang aku kiasu. But seriously I don’t mind being the laughing stock. I don’t mind being judged. Apa orang nak kata, apa orang nak judge terpulang la kat depa. What I mind is being hurt when I have to recap balik what I’ve been through all this while. It is effking painful to go through that once more, explaining things yang belum tentu orang akan faham. Buat apa? Baik tak payah. And speaking about hurt, it is likely they will ask about H. Since we were the high school sweet hearts and we lasted for like 5 years, until one day she left. Talking about it, no, thinking about it ja pun dah makes my heart ache.

I appreciate their intention, insisting on meeting up with me. Kalau aku jadi depa, dah lama aku give up. Watpa nak ambik peduli dengan mamat kerek, sombong, kera sumbang etc. But Im just not ready. They don’t have any idea what I’ve been through and Im not ready to open up to everyone. That’s why I pushed them away. Maybe one fine day…I’ll start messaging you guys in YM (yes they are in my ym list but I’ve came up with excuses just to avoid conversation everytime they pm me) or even add you guys up in FB. But for the time being, I’m damaged.

ok tak cun

Lagu Hari Ini 1

Blast, im soo tired. Currently Im having two students downstair. Aku bagi exercise suruh depa buat and now Im up here blogging. Amboih Azmil, mengelat ja kheja. Have you no shame? Extorting money from people, pastu ponteng. Isnt it unethical?

Okok. Bukan ponteng, but just now my students was asking this bombastic questions about Gross Domestic Product, so aku tak boleh jawab. Sebab tu la aku naik, online dan check Wikipedia and Goggling for answers. What? Have you no shame? Cari jawapan kat internet, and yet menerima duit tuition fees as if you so pro? Well, nope; as long as they dont know. Haha. Shhh! Dont tell them!

Anyway, I've been thinking about this song lately. Wish you were here. By Pink Floyd, not Incubus (although the Incubus's wish you were here pun nice jugak). Been playing this song over and over again. This song is legendary. Got a nice tune, simple lyrics, mellow melody. 30 million views on youtube padahal bukan official video clip diorang pun. That's got to mean something right? Im soooo teaching my students to play this song. Ok. Nak turun bawah.

Que Sera Sera

Hey blog! time for another update. Baru balik dari exam Pengajian Malaysia. Hope everything is fine. Beladi tired right now. *sigh* bila la nak abes ni urgh.. Anyway, semalam, ketika aku mengemas bilik.....ok aku tipu. Scratch that. Mula balik. Semalam, ketika aku memunggah almari pakaianku, aku dikejutkan dengan bunyi yang acap kali aku dengar saban hari. wah bahasaku haha. Ada orang buzz aku di mesej segera (IM). Ah minah ni. Tak nampak kah status aku yang bewarna merah berpalang putih yang mengatakan aku sibuk?

Kemudian kedengaran pula, bunyi yang aku selalu dengar jugak tetapi sayup-sayup sedikit kerana bunyi yang tak berapa kuat itu ditenggelami lagu 'que sera sera' yang berkumandang di senaraimain winamp ku. Adeh, dia mesej peribadi (PM) aku di sesawang muka buku pula (FB). Adoiyai lupa plak tutup fb grrrrr.. aku sumpah tanggang di dalam hati. Aku pergi ke depan komputer peribadiku, lalu bertanya apa hajat dihati selain menyunting kumbang di taman seraya beliau memberitahu bahawa markah pembawa untuk subjek perlakuan organisasi sudah keluar. Dengan mata bersinar penuh harapan aku bertanya markah ku. "Ang dpt A-". Aku terdiam sejenak. Kemudian aku mainsemula (replay) lagu que sera sera.

Ok dah tak larat berbahasa gedik santai, kembali ke bahasa academician. where were we? ohh ok. Aku lega mendengar jawapan dari rakanku. Not bad. Dari C+ ke A-. Orang selalu hairan bila my classmates and I said that OB is a killer paper. Bagi mereka OB ini ialah subjek yang senang. When they asked why, we said that we did our mid term badly. In truth, that is only the tip of the iceberg. There's plenty more that we kept to ourselves. Im not going into details of what happened, but I tell you, we faced a lot of challenge to be where we are now. Markah mid term kami semua teruk. Teruk sangat. Tapi selepas melalui proses birokrasi yang sangat membebankan, finally we managed to convince the college to have our papers to be re-graded.

Alhamdulillah selepas disemaksemula ramai yang naik. I would like to thank all my classmates for being so united in handling this issue. I would also like to thank the lecturer for being so kind regrading our papers. I hope he didnt take this personally , as we dont have any personal issues against him. Just professionals one. We just did what we have to do. Lumrah. Action and reaction. Bukan sengaja hendak derhaka atau memandai-mandai. Im not saying that i deserve an A, im just saying that I dont deserve a C+. Also thanks jugak kepada pihak college and pensyarah-pensyarah lain yang memahami dan sentiasa bagi support.

Assuming that aku dapat weak A- (just tau grade, taktau markah), aku kena score at least 87 percentile untuk paper OB khamis ni. Impossible but Im not giving up just yet. It ain't over till its over. I am going to study my ass off sehingga satu page pun tak tinggal. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah dugaan ini. On the other hands, I've been thinking. Aku tak kisah pun jika aku tidak dapat mengekalkan takhtaku. Kalau mantain Alhamdulillah, tapi kalau tak dapat mantain pun Alhamdulillah. Rezeki ada di mana-mana. Kalau ada rezeki, tak dapat four flat pun boleh dapat scholarship degree nanti. Insyaallah. Whatever will be, will be

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

ok cun

Oink Oink

Hello blog. We meet again. I just came back from a study group with the boys and girls. Study group? Well, more like a play group i'd say. I was slacking off gila2 and didnt participate much. I guess Im not the study group type of guy. I cant study in broad day light. Im a nocturnal species I guess. Night+Nicotine+Caffeine+Study=Uber pwnage!!

Lately, I've seen too many break ups happening around. Even couples that I thought would go live 'happily ever after' like most Taylor Swift songs pun disappoint me. Beladi hel, my thoughts of having Mrs. Right someday who would be by my side thru rain or shine is fading. Sigh, guess I should lower my expectations. Wah sudah 3 perkataan Guess telah ku guna dalam dua perenggan. Maybe petanda suruh aku ganti handbag guess adik aku yang aku jahanamkan. Cerita lain.

Earlier today, aku rasa sangat2 malas untuk keluar dari katil aku. Dan apabila aku keluar dari katil, aku terasa sngt2 malas untuk mandi. Dan apabila aku mandi, aku terasa sngt2 malas untuk breakfast. Dan apabila aku finally took my breakfast, aku terasa sngt2 malas untuk study. Dan apabila aku study, aku rasa sngt2.......ok aku tipu. aku tak study pun. you get the idea, blog. harini aku sngt2 lah malas.

Opened up my fb, check comments yg mempersendakan misai dan janggutku (cerita lain) and check the profile of this friend of mine who is currently undergoing a hard time breaking up with her bf. And I remembered. Aku ada post link youtube lagu 'eye of the tiger' nak kasi dia sembangat. Layan lagu tu and voila. terus smangat beb.

And I checked my playlist for other 'lagu semangat' andI came up with.

1. Viva La Vida by Coldplay

2. Mentera Semerah Padi by M Nasir and Tam

3. Remember the name by Fort Minor

4. Kryptonite by 3 doors down

5. Generasiku by OAG

6. I did it my way by Frank Sinatra

7. Superman by Five For Fighting

8. How to save a life by The Frays

And man, I studied for 3 consecutive hours afterwards. These songs served me as a warcry. Semboyan untuk pergi berperang. So there you go. My very own warcry. Im going to do this more often from now on. Off to study. beladi hel, im getting rusty. Post aku cam rojak arrghh

Ok cun

Rawr Rawr

Hello blog. My name's Azmil. Nice to meet you, blog. lmao. I decided to give you another try. Im not trying to gain money, or anything like that. The reason why I think I should blog again is to serve me as a time capsule. Maybe after a few years, when I look back, I'd have this blog to help me walk the aisle of memory lane together. Im not expecting readers apatah lgi followers but if you do visit, please dont flame me at the comment section. ><

And this time, Im hoping that I can stick with you for a long time, blog. I admit one of the things that I regret the most was deleting my friendster's blog. Sebab all post since waaaayyyy back in 2004 habes mcmtu ja. Dengan ini juga, cewah 'dengan ini' rofllmao aku mengumumkan penggantungan akaun twitter aku. Aku rasa malas nak twit sbb I cant find anything clever enough to say in 140 characters, and sbb aku bukan artis and rutin harian aku cukup membosankan dan cukup predictable. Aku suspend ja, aku tak delete terus. Aku takut nyesal cam aku delete friendster blog aku dulu. haizz..

Currently undergoing final examinations. First 3 papers aku agak merelaxkan since aku tak payah nak target A untuk dapat A. Carry marks agak chantek.lol. last 2 paper yang agak cuak, PM and OB. argh enough rambling about exams. Im off to see Inter-Barcelona. See you blog.

Ok cun