Self destruct

You lost big money in your investment. She broke up with you. You have daddy issue. You failed in your exams. Your parents getting a divorce. Big deal. You either move on, or you can choose the more popular way to deal with problems: to self destruct. Well here's the top 8 self destruct behavior you can choose from, who knows you'd be able to fix things by getting sympathy..

1. Gluttony

Makan banyak. Minum banyak. Yeah sure it takes the problem off your mind but look forward to those days you'd be injecting insuline and the day you'd realized that your shirts 'shrunk'.

2. Adrenaline

Bawak motor. Koyak minyak sampai abes. Pi jelutong expressway. Cari roadblock. Tunjuk middle finger dekat polis. Lari dari polis. Even if you managed to outrun them,go turn yourself in. Camna orang nak simpati kalau tak kena tangkap, kan?

3. Poison.

Isap rokok, drink alcohol, ambik ubat goyang, hidu gam dan sewaktu dengannya. Nothing can compare to the euphoric effect you're experiencing. But later after that, kantoikan diri anda. Tak macho dan tak dikasihanilah kalau tak kantoi betui dak? buat-buat la tertelefon ex-gf anda ketika anda tengah goyang, atau memandulah dengan berbahaya di depan balai ketika anda mabuk.

4. The jiwang factor.

Hari tiba-tiba hujan. Keluaq umah dan berjalan di dalam hujan selama setengah jam. Bayangkan seolah-olah ada lagu sedih sebagai background music anda. Tapi jangan buat dalam masa dua tiga hari ini. Takut hujan radioaktif disebabkan reaktor nuklear di Jepun meletup baru-baru ni. To be safe, shower dekat rumah would be a great substitute.

5. The Lust derivation.

Pi rumah urut. Or pergi Love Lane. From just 30-50 ringgit, you'd get them to do whatever you want. Kinky or non kinky. Sexual or non sexual. Heck you can also ask them to say 'I love you', something that you've been wanting to hear from your ex.

6. The quit displacement.

Jika and bekerja, jangan pergi kerja sampai boss anda telefon anda dan menjerit 'you're fired' ala-ala Donald Trump. Jika anda masih belajar, jangan pergi kelas sampai lecturer anda barred anda dari ambik exam. Bila kawan anda cuba menasihati anda, jerkah mereka dan ckp "ampa taktau apa erti cinta"

7. The blackmailing paradigm

Ugut orang-orang yang menyakitkan anda; ex-boyfriend, ex-employer, ex-husband, etc. Jika mereka mendakwa anda di mahkamah, jangan lawyered up, instead represent diri sendiri. That way, orang yang mendakwa anda atau orang yang hendak anda raih simpati akan lebih bersimpati dengan ada. Bersalah atau tak bersalah, belakang kira.

8. Suicidal.

Telan racun tikus. Cut yourself. Whatever. But be sure the damage is not enough to kill yourself. Because if you're dead, it defeats the purpose of gaining sympathy. Nak lagi sambutan, post kat facebook. Gunakan catchphrase yang best-best. Mcm 'malam ini, kul 8.30. selamat tinggal dunia' pasti akan mendapat banyak komen (dan banyak like jika ramai orang yang tak suka anda).

Disclaimer: This post is nonsense. You'd be stupid if you follow any of these.