From one cigarette to another.

Assalamualaikum,

It has been 9 months. A lot has changed. I changed. My priorities changed.

I've embarked into the working world now. Been doing internal audit, but not for long, as I will go out onto other sections and divisions of my company for my management trainee program. Work is okay. Sure it sucks having to adapt from student life into a more routine exercise, but it's fine. I can't complain I've seen my fair share of good and bad days. But one thing I'm sure, I am motivated as ever.

I have my long term goals. From climbing up the corporate ladder to having my own start-up company to getting married. I dream big, I'm hungry as ever. I have that 'unstoppable' feeling inside me. I have faith in myself and loved ones that everything will turn out okay. But I won't get complacent, I know how to manage my expectations and to always remember to keep my feet on the ground. 

One thing about us gen y (heck yea i consider myself a gen y) is that we are generally impatient. We want things as fast as possible; 'Aku nak gaji banyak ni,' 'aku nak buat kerja ni,' 'aku nak pangkat ni'. Sometimes this could lead us into disillusionment. I myself included. I realised there's no short cut to it. So how do I manage my expectation? Like I've always did. Baby steps.

Hidup dari minggu ke minggu. If it's too long, disassemble it into 'dari hari ke hari'. If it's still too long, disassemble it even further into 'from one smoke break to another'. That's how I power through my day. 

I go to work, promised myself to work hard and reward myself with a smoke break. These small short term goals makes the difference into realizing our long term goals. If I dwell too much with long term goals, I tell you Im going to go insane. Asyik dok pikiaq macam-macam; bila nak naik pangkat, bila nak naik gaji, bila nak kahwin, bila nak buat CFA, bila nak habis mtp, bila nak beli rumah. And after that comes the disillusion.

So yeah, going to work isn't actually sucks because it keeps me sane. Weekend lain cerita la, memang disillusion habis dok pikiaq macam-macam sebab takdak that baby steps approach. But I just love 'escaping' into that future realm every now and then. Because after all, these long term goals are what keep you going. As long as there's balance between the two i think should be okay kot. Off to the future realm we go..

Small, but big

This might be weird coming from me, but as I already mentioned, I don't really fancy the corporate world. To me it brings more harm than good. Yeah, save your capitalist argument for yourself, I'm not a big fan of that either. At least to me, it brings more harm than good. Some big corporate, acting all high and mighty; well in which case they are, (with wealth and assets larger than dozen of countries combined) could bully their way into getting want they want. 

They will do whatever it takes to gain as much profit at the expend of others; the nature, the society, the future. And should they get into trouble, say, for polluting the environment, they could just simply pay the fines and move along. In the name of 'copyright and patent' they monopoly and rob people off. Like in the case of Windows and other pharmaceutical company. They could use their powerful connections to influence the regulator and government agency, like how pharmaceutical company in the US influencing the FDA and the political scene in the country. Obamacare, a healthcare act introduced by the namesake is still being debated and could not pass until today.

And in the name of 'globalization', they came to other country, ravaging its natural resources and taking advantage of low employment rate, and murdering local businesses. An ordinary, family managed grocery store could never stand a chance against the like of Tesco, Best Buy and Walmart. Some big corporate put shareholders interest beyond its stakeholder. To them the means justify everything. You could see some company selling stuff the customers don't need, through false advertising, false product development and through coercion they called 'best package deal'.

That's why I like small, family business, entrepreneurship venture. They have heart. They have soul. And they care not just about the profit. It pleases me to see small companies doing well, especially the ones that has affected my life, like the coffee shop behind the school where we used to hang out everytime we ponteng. The owner knows your name, knows what drink you want without taking your order and cares about you; albeit in the form of lectures and a beating asking you to go back to class. 

Although I gotta admit, small business might eventually turned into a big corporate. At first it was privately family owned, but then it'll grow into a publicly traded company. But that doesn't mean that they need to lose their values and their ways of doing business. There are a lot of family controlled firms that are doing well, perhaps even outperforming the public sector. In France, over the 1990-2006 period, French family firms like Michelin and Peugeot generated a 639% return whereas the major French index returned only 292%. They focus on the long term and they stick to their core business. And because the owners are closer to management, fewer conflicts arise (fewer agency problem). 

That's why they have been so successful. You dont need to sell your souls for an extra bucks. 

Thrill seeker

I was reading this article the other day. You can check them out here. It's about why you should date a guy who travels (traveller, not tourist).  Anyway if you read the comment section below, a lot of travellers claimed that the article was overrated.  Though it may seems that travellers make a good partner, they claimed that it was hard to sustain a healthy relationship because they are always looking for new adventures. They are always looking at the map instead of what they have; be it a 'real' job, a 'real' life. They do not want to be binded by these routine.

I'm not very much of a traveller, but I always look for new challenges and adventures in life. It doesn't have to be about exploring new places, instead it can be about exploring new ventures and possibilities. For me, it's an objective based game. And like any other objective based game, it's more about the short term goals rather than the long term goals. I'm not downplaying the importance of a long term goal, but to me long term goal is kinda hard to measure.

Almost six years ago my long term goal was to graduate with a bachelor degree. Yeah, I probably would be able to make them even more specific so that it can easily be measured, say, 'graduating with a degree with at least 3.5 cgpa'. But such void between the day you started until the day you finished is too long for me to be able to tell. Hence the short term goals. Get a diploma first. Get a scholarship next. Then apply for first degree. And of course along the way, you'll found new adventures to be conquered. Like 'winning a futsal tournament', or 'undergo the perils of taking a difficult major' or 'get to be in the student representative council'.

Some of these were proactive goals; they came with a deliberate plan, while some of them were reactive goals, hence, an unplanned ones. Every time when I felt that the current adventure is losing its thrills, or perhaps I was getting good in that challenge, I began to look for another one. When I began my finance major studies adventures, I was scared shitless that I wouldn't be able to beat it. Yeah I was struggling but after a year, I managed to get the hang of it. So I went back playing futsal for the varsity. But yet I still felt some kind of void and so I decided to take on a new adventure; participating in the student representative council election.

No, this post is not about how high and mighty I am at conquering these adventures. Because it came with a price. I got so drawn and blinded by new adventures sometimes I got detached from the routines; the 'real' job and the 'real' life. Instead of thinking about what I have, I am thinking of the next adventures and how I can beat it. If what I have is in the way of me beating that new challenge, it is likely that I'll discard it. Probably why I kept screwing something good that happened in my life. Looking over at my life, one might say that I gained a lot, but trust me, I lose a lot more.

And now I am about to embark on a new adventure. Internship. This would be a great challenge for me. For the first time in six years, I'll be away from Penang, away from my family. This is probably the greatest challenge I had in a while, and I started to get detached from my routine as I am getting immersed and pumped up on getting this challenge done. The greater the challenge, the greater focus that I need to put on, and the more likely that I'll lose something along the way.

New Year

Edited: Upon writing this blogpost, I just realized that this is my 200th posts! All of a sudden I felt bad after publishing this post. >.<

Geee, been a while isnt it? Im sorry I forgot about you. The thing is I met  a new sns. Well not really new, it's been around a while. But I only joined half a year ago. Yeah Im a slowpoke I know. It's like a micro blogging thingy where I can rant things without a care and I can follow celebrity like this mamacita.

Or like this hunk. 

Or this hunk.

So yeah, I dunno how long Im gonna keep writing here. I've also been busy with mpp stuff and studies. Plus I'll be away on my internship next month. Speaking of which, yeah, I am currently on my finals. My (hopefully) last final exam in degree life. 

Meh lets not get carried away. One thing at a time. Lets pwn all these exam papers first. But I gotta admit, I'm a little short of motivations right now. With graduation on the horizon, I might have overlooked things beyond the examinations.

But on the other hand, I'm calm. I'm collected. I'm taking a different approach this time around. Im just looking to enjoy the exam. I know it's weird. But things are different now.

It's like football. Last time I play to win. No matter how ugly, no matter how ruthless. But now I just want to play and enjoy a good game. Play with flair. And have a good time. Because at some point, I realized that football is not just about winning. It's bigger than that.

It's the same with exam. I'm not going to let it break me. Not letting it run me down. Because education and varsity life is bigger than that. And I'm bigger than that examination. 

I dont know if I make sense, so Im just going to end here and go back to following some celebrities and whatnot. Anyway, happy new year. Let's make this a good one.      

Douchebag Azmil is douchebag

I'd like to think that I'm good, if not, decent in English. Yeah sometimes I struggled speaking but who doesn't? I think it's more of a public speaking issues rather than the language itself. People always pointed out how 'utagha' I sound when I speak Malay, and yet how that utara slang totally goes off when I speak in english. I take pride in my english language. So if I were to speak the language, I want to speak properly. No slang, no '-lah' in my sentences and no manglish. Just english. 

People also have the impression that I'm a bright student, but in truth I'm like everyone else. It's just that since I don't have problem with the language, I can absorb things faster. Takyah check dictionary. Takyah reread the whole sentences. Budak usm ni semua cekang-cekang. When I taught some of my friends I realized that the problem is not the learning, the problem's the language. People also always give me that 'Oh patutla' gesture when they knew that both my parents are english teacher, which annoys me a bit.

It's not like they taught me much and it's not like we speak english at home. We speak malay with essence and flavor of utagha all over. But, if anything, they taught me to love the language. Instead of teaching me the language, they taught me to love the language and culture. So from there I just picked things up. My parents were ELLS student. Yes they are not any average teachers. They studied B.A instead of B.Ed. So at the age of 10, I was exposed with many english literatures. Rudyard Kipling, William Golding, Ernest Hemmingway to name a few. And even the classics. At a very young age I knew Shakespeare's plays like Mid Summer Night Dream, MacBeth and Hamlet.    

Abah's also a movie buff. He's into all the action and mobster stuff. So growing up, I watched a lot of The Godfather, Gangs of New York, Scarface and Die Hard. So I picked things up from movies, songs and literatures instead from the classroom. But taking pride in the language also sometimes bite me in the ass. Sometimes I got too englishy and forgot all about our culture and social context. For example I was dumped by a girl once when I used the word 'dying' to describe her mother's health. To me I never thought of 'dying' as being dead per se. I mean, if you watched medical drama they always said the patient is dying but most of the time they saved the patients. So yeah, I totally ignored our social context.

I also got into a fight with a friend when I used the word 'bitch' when talking to her. To her the word is taboo. So yeah, once again I failed to recognised the social context. I thought that we're on the same perception of social context. To me it was perfectly fine. In the US the word bastard, bitch and shit are allowed in national television. I also have problems when I tried to use these words in different connotation. For example when you said "stop bitchin" it means simply 'stop whining' but people especially the one with weaker english command tend to be insulted by that.

And don't let me get started on the pronunciation. When you take so much pride in it, you became easily irritated when you heard people mispronounced something. Apa orang sebut pun salah. Apa orang sebut pun tak kena. I once lose interest on a girl when she pronounced Wednesday without the silent 'd'. Man, I was bloody mean to lead her on only to ditch her over some small things. If you think that 'wednesday' thingy tu is already small now let me try to make it even smaller. You know how certain verb and adjective are pronounced differently, for example the word approximate. The adjective is pronounced aproksemet and the verb is pronounced aproksemeit and sometimes people get confused between the two.  Even these small things get on my nerves!

Tapi itu dulu! Sekarang tak dah. Lani macam cool ja. Haha. Dan2 cover. Haih. Kadang-kadang kita pun tak tara mana. Tapi kita dok rasa kita ja sempoi orang lain suma tak. Mau dok relax sait. One day you'll meet someone who will put you to the ground and you'll be getting a taste of your own medicine. But seriously I'm not that bad. Betulllll. Tak caya sudah.

Teenage Dream

I was watching The Heir the other day and it got me thinking; being in love when you are a teenager is different than being in love when you are in the 20s.

When you are a teenager, you are young, ambitious and idealistic. Come what may, you want your relationship to work. No matter what the obstacle is. You felt as if your other half is the only thing that matters in the whole wide world. You didn't give a shit about what people say. Being the optimistic, rebellious you, the more people are against it, the more you want to fight for it. You didn't give a shit if your girlfriend's mother texting you  'we the whole family are disgusted of you'. You didn't care to break your promises and duty to your family just to accommodate your plans with your girlfriend.  

You like to feel in control, therefore you always plan things up. I dunno about girls, but guys when they were really into someone, they'll come out with a strategy to woo her and to make her happy. What should I get her as a gift; do I have to buy it, or must it be hand made? How about the timing; should I ask her out when she's super happy or when she's super bummed? It's all equations, strategy and numbers. For example, when she's super bummed, her overall happiness is negative. So if you asked her out and managed to make her happy, her overall happiness would be positive. And it will make a deep impression towards her, since she goes from, say, -5 to +5. This impression is deeper than if you asked her out when she's super happy. Because it is unlikely you could top it off. I mean an increase from +5 to +7 sure is great but is not as much impact. But then again going out with her when she's super bummed could also be a risky one cause she's an emotional trainwreck. You see how deep the thought process is? They like to be in control so much that they really consider every variable in their calculations.

You'd do anything for her. Benda yang susah jadi senang. Benda yang impossible jadi possible. You'd ride 700km on your bike just to see her walaupun kat kilometer yang ke 200 hujan lebat dan pungkuq hang dah mula kebas. You'd happily made some scrapbooks to commemorate the relationship sedangkan homework cikgu bagi pun ang tak pernah sentuh. And to top of it all, you didnt care if it was your dream you sacrificed as long as you get to be with her. Kinda like Kim Tan in The Heir. He didnt mind losing it all so long he gets to be with Eun Sang.

When you hit the 20s, things are different. You're more calm and collected, and you've became a realist. Probably that you've matured, or probably your love life from when you were a teenager didnt work out, so you're more careful. Doesn't matter. The fact that you're a realist means that you didn't take risk head on, instead you take a calculated one. Hang tak semberono ja make a commitment. You're not afraid to admit defeat. If there's a chance you go for it, but if you don't, you just move on. No big deal. You didnt do much strategizing, because you know that you doesnt have to be in control of everything. You began to acknowledge that some things are not within your hands. You began to accept the idea of 'jodoh'. Kalau hang suka ok, kalau tak suka nak buat macam mana. No more planning and strategizing and hunting and games.

You are also aware of how tiring it is trying to make something that's not working to work. It consume time, energy and efforts. So you tried to utilize everything within only your capabilities. Your girlfriend's mother doesn't need to text you. You didn't have to get into a big fight with your girlfriend. You'll KNOW whether it is working or not. You'll know if she's right for you without having to go through all that. The best thing of all  is when you know that it isn't working, you're not afraid to let your leg off the pedal. You are slightly unwilling to go the distance when you're in a relationship. Not because that you don't love her. Not because that you didn't care. But because she love you the way you are and you know you're not gonna lose her over some silly things you didnt do. Because you have also other priorities and dreams you need to pursue. Because life is not just about her, but also your family, friends and career.

700km bike ride? Call and text messaging every half an hour? Sacrifice playing futsal or football for her? No thanks. I dont need a drama queen dictating my life. If I have to do one of these things, it only means one thing. You're not for me.  

Although......I've always had that teenage dream. To be able to love recklessly. To be able to have someone take my hand and drag me head first, fearless (bak kata Taylor Swift). To be able to fight even it's a losing battle. Is it something that you experienced only when you're in teenager? 

Numb

Old wounds never really heal. You probably recovered, but it changed you. Probably for the better, probably for the worst. 

Or at least you think you changed, but you're just at the same place running back and forth. 

I sometimes wonder if I changed for the better. But every time I tried to think that I've changed into a better person, I always seem to notice there's another area of me that changed for the worst. 

For example, I always second guess people's motive. I never get to trust people the way they trusted me. Believe me, even the people that are close to me pun. Setiap pujian nampak seperti ejekan. Setiap budi yang baik nampak seperti 'Mesti dia nih nak something in return'. 

Another example is turning into something that I hate. I promised myself not to be like those who hurt me, but I ended up becoming like them. I promised myself to not be a sellsword, I ended up becoming one. I promised myself to not use misery as my motivations, but I made misery my bestfriend. 

That's why I think old wounds never heal. I probably got rid of the pain, but I'm just numb all over. Someone take this away please.

Support

In dota, especially competitive dota, they have different roles in each member of the team. Yeah it's a 5 on 5 team game, but each and everyone of them has different roles in order to win the game. Ada hardlane, mid solo, carry and support. For the support role, basically their job is to roam around the map and help kill the opposition team hero or help any members that is in trouble. They ward the map, heal allies, jungle and farm the neutral creeps. Support's role doesn't have to be rich and have nice items. Kadang-kadang tu dia takdak item apa-apa pun. Just the basics, like kasut and armor. But they are not item dependant so they are still relevant as the game goes by where other heroes are getting rich and fat.

Carry on the other hands, is the team's killer. They usually have high damage per second and have high attack speed and movement speed. The reason they are called 'carry' is because they are the ones who will carry the team to a win. But usually carry heroes are fragile. They have low health and item dependant. They need items, and they need levels. So in order to have that, they need to farm well, kill opposition heroes and not die in the process. Carry need to rely on support to be rich and support need to rely on carry to kill heroes and win the game.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I always find myself in the middle between these roles. Not game-wise, but in real life. I love carry and support role, but I can't be both at the same time. I love being a carry but I think Im better at being a support. Some of my best work be it assignments, projects or sports came when I was the support of the team. Like when I played in Sukad last year. I'm not even in the starting line up. I requested to be sidelined because I never trained with them and I wasn't even a part of Indah Kembara pun. So I figured just let these boys play first.

But my contribution for the team was immense. Even coming from the bench, I always seemed to contribute something of significant to the team. I assisted the equalizing goal that made us through to the knock out stage. I blocked an opposition's shot that was destined for the net in the semi final and ultimately scored the leading goal in that very same match. All this happened when I came from the bench. The same thing goes for some assignments. I love it when lecturer drew names randomly for us to form a group. This is because since we don't know each other and each skill sets, someone is going to have to step up to become the carry. And I can assure you it won't be me. This way I'll get to become the support. I get to worry about all the minor details and I get to usually perform beyond my team's expectations. Instead of worrying about the planning, I get to worry about the implementations which I think one of my superior skill sets.

But usually I always find myself in the carry role. I dont know how I always ended up as the carry. Probably sebab kawan-kawan suka tolak role tu kat aku. Probably sebab aku rasa insecure kalau orang lain yang carry the team. Or probably because aku gila kuasa aku kena make sure semua benda pun ikut direction yang aku mau. I like being the carry but sometimes I find it too much of a pressure. What if I failed to lay down the correct path for the team? What if my vision are not understood and complied well by my team mates? What if I failed to perform even though I got all the support I needed? What if the team is too dependant of me? And what if I am too dependant and too demanding of the team?

A carry is only as good as his support. That's why I prefer to be the support. Maybe the carry has limited capabilities or maybe his planning is a little off, but if the support are good, they will do everything in their power to turn it into something good. Like venture capitalist always say, they would rather fund a strong entrepreneur with mediocre business idea than fund a strong business idea with a mediocre entrepreneur. I might have mediocre plan, but one thing I can assure you, I am not one mediocre individual. If I lay down the path and direction, it probably works, it probably doesn't. But if someone lays down the path and direction for me, I'll do everything in my power to make sure it works. 

More complicated

I am a simple guy. All I wanted was to live a simple life. Nothing complicated, nothing big. I would be very happy if I were to live in a countryside, earning moderate incomes with a wife and kids. I think that's pretty much it. I never imagined myself living in the city, working in big corporation, doing something important with big responsibilities.

When my friends hung out at the kopitiam, they talked about the stock market and securities like any good finance student should, but me, I just want to talk about football, throw a banter at some friends and talk about my family. 

When everybody was getting hyped up to work for big corporations, I just imagined my life running a small SME or some burger joint somewhere in the neighbourhood. Plus I hate big corporation. I think they're a bully and steal from small people like me.

When everybody was racing shoulder to shoulder to do well and get good grades, I just want to get by, or at least comply to my sponsor's expectation. Nothing more.

I just want to keep it simple. Even my student life right now revolves around simplicity. Like how I take english course for my language package instead of a foreign language. Not because I don't find foreign language interesting, but because that's the simplest thing to do. Learning a foreign language is much of a hassle. I also avoid from involving myself in joining student society or event secretariat because it's too much work. I just want to keep a low profile, stay under the radar, do my thing and just graduate.

Plus, I've experienced almost everything during college. So I think it's time to call it quit. I've worked with people under complex hierarchy during my college years. It's not that hard and it's not so much of a burden, but it's just not my thing. You know, like how you dont like something but yet you're surprisingly good at it, and there's stuff you like to do but yet you're awfully suck at it. Now in uni Im only involved in the simplest form of hierarchy. Futsal team. The hierarchy goes like: Coach. Captain. Players. Coach marah captain, captain marah kami. Tapi kadang-kadang kami pulak nanti marah captain. So simple.

Although I just want to lead a simple life, there are times that I've bitten more than I could chew. I promised myself to just exercise and be healthy when I entered degree life, but I went as far as playing futsal competitively, representing the varsity and the state. I also promised myself to not be involved in anything major; just do my thing and graduate, but I ended up running for the SRC election. And I dont think it helps me achieving any personal growth pun. I think it kinda ruined my perception of reality. Which even freak me out to go out there in the working world.

Winning the election sure boosted my self-esteem, but it's too big for me to handle. You gotta pick sides be it aspirasi or pro-mahasiswa, you gotta kiss someone's butt and you gotta do things that probably violate your personal values. There's not a single day gone by without me wishing to go back to my comfort zone. To that simplicity I call home. 

Getting Busier or Getting Lazier?

Workload sem ni agak berat. This semester I'm carrying 6 subjects, an equivalent of 18 units. It feels good actually to have an 18 units instead of a full 21 like two previous semesters. At least I'll have a room for a breather, I figured. But I figured wrong.  To my dismay the workloads feels pretty much the same as the two previous semesters. Probably because there's like a bunch of very methodological subjects that I am taking. You know, the kind of subjects that requires you to do a lot of things. Weekly reports, term paper, simulation game, individual presentations and whatnot.

And the lecturers isn't being any helpful at all. They are methodological themselves, demanding us to do this and that for small amount of marks. Like this lecturer of mine asked us to watch five movies and do reports about it for only what, five marks? It takes lots of time and effort to do it. It's my last semester, why can't I have simple mark distributions? Why can't the marks simply come from mid term, assignment and final exam? Pasepa nak kena tambah itu ini; 15 marks kat simulation game, 10 marks kat presentation, 5 marks kat attendance, 10 marks kat weekly reports?   

I also usually have my 'lubuk' subjects every semester. As in, subjects that I presumed as an 'easy A', or at least function as a safety net should I screw up in my major papers. It works perfectly in the past. All the tough papers I took, were 'hedged' by these type of papers. These subjects usually are minor, english and Ko-K subjects. But since I already finished my minor, there's only english and ko-k left. The ko-k class was awesome, but I doubt it can hedged much, since it was only 1 unit. So tinggal English ja. And I think I made a risky hedge as I am taking phonetics this sem. Man..it's like learning a new language I tell you. It's completely different from the English I used to do, and I doubt I can do well in this paper.

Tapi bila fikir-fikir balik, eventhough I have a very hateful sentiment towards them, subjek2 methodological ni la yang selalu tolong aku. Usually I did well in subjects like these. Subjects that tore your ass down week in week out. Subjects like brm, imp and security & portfolio. All the small weekly thingy that I had to do probably forced me to study early. Plus having a methodological lecturer have its own benefits. They will point you at the right directions, what he/she wants. I just gotta pull through and finish strong. Only three months to go and Im off to industrial training. And speaking of industrial training, haven't made up my mind yet on where am I going. One thing at a time. 

Fears

My list of fears, not necessarily in order:

• I'm worried that I'll never get the chance to repay my parents. Not because that I won't have the time, but because I am a total disappointment. As in, even at the age of 30 nanti pun I still need them to get me out of trouble, to give me a handout, to take care of me, sedangkan I am the one who's supposed to take care of them. 
• I'm worried that I'll never let go of the past. I've been through rock bottom, but I've climbed back. Finished my diploma, achieving things that I never thought I could achieved, and now towards the end of my degree. I've come this far, but why am I not contented with life? Why does it feels like I am still at rock bottom?
• I'm worried that I might screwed up good things in my life. Whenever I have something good in my life, I tend to sabotage my own happiness because it will inflict damage to my emotion, so that I can improve. I dont know why I prefer misery over happiness as a motivation. Sedangkan effect happiness lagi hebat kan?
•  I'm worried that I might have lost (or will lose) the people I love and care about. People that matters to me, due to the previous list above.
• I fear that I will never grow up.
• I fear that if once I lose a certain quality, people might leave and ignored me. For example, my intelligence (yeah, I'd like to think Im smart haha). So if i lose it, Im scared that people will leave me, people will not like me, my siblings won't respect me etc. 
• I'm scared of not performing up to my sponsor's expectation and have my scholarship taken away.
• Im worried that I might not be a good husband and a good father.
• I'm afraid of being alone.
• I'm afraid of risk. After what I've been through, I'd like to play it safe. I will always look for the easiest, riskless solutions. Punya penakut. Padahal I kept telling myself that I dont want to be that guy who one days looked over his life in regrets.
• I'm afraid that I'm that bad person after all. That person who don't deserve happiness, love, peace and other good things.
• Im afraid that I'm not normal.
• I fear that people would see through me; how pathetic, weak and hopeless I am after they read this.

I know, when I got back to blogging I promised that this time around it'll be less personal. But when I browsed through my posts, I found out that that's isn't the case. There's plenty of stuffs here that I never imagined that I'll be able to open up to. I'm not surprised though. I received constant complaints from a few exes on why I wouldnt be able to open up to them like I did here. Why wouldn't you share? Why wouldn't you talk to me the way you share in your blog? Well that's a question that I didnt have the answer to up til now. 

Maybe I'm not good in expressing myself. Maybe that's the way I process emotions. Or maybe because I didn't see a future together with you, I didn't bother to tell you shit. All I know is that's the way it has been. This is my safe space, and if you'd care enough you'd understand and read this blog from time to time instead of giving me the cold shrugs. I can really tell which of those who read my blog; we simply clicked and hit it off even though we hardly talked to each other in real life.

kaki merapik

Now I know I havent been able to blog much nowadays. School works are piling on me at the moment. Will write again when I have the time. In the mean time, just read this copy-paste psychology social assignment I made last semester. Note that these are purely fictional. I dont like to fight and I dont know any Laila in my life. I got an A on this paper, so it pays to be a penglipurlara. ;-) Here goes.

Di USM, saya sangat rapat dengan rakan-rakan dari pasukan futsal varsiti saya. Saya akui yang saya tidak mempunyai ramai kawan dari Pusat Pengajian saya. Saya juga tidak tinggal di desasiswa dan ini membuatkan lebih sukar untuk saya mencari kawan. Tambahan pula, di dalam major kewangan, saya merupakan satu-satunya pelajar Melayu lelaki. Bukannya saya memilih, atau  rasis, tetapi tiada common ground yang ada di antara kami yang boleh membuatkan kami rapat.

            Oleh sebab itulah saya lebih rapat dengan rakan-rakan dari pasukan futsal. Walaupun kami dari Pusat Pengajian yang berlainan, namun latar belakang, passion dan karekteristik kami yang hampir identikal membuatkan saya mudah rapat dengan mereka. Sukan futsal juga penting dalam mendefinisikan kehidupan saya di USM. Segala komitmen, keringat dan masa saya dicurahkan kepada pasukan. Kadang-kadang akan ada pertandingan futsal di luar USM yang mengambil masa sehingga seminggu. Jadi kebanyakan masa akan di luangkan bersama rakan pasukan saya.

            Saya juga mempunyai seorang kekasih, Laila. Kami sudah dua tahun dalam hubungan. Buat masa ini, hubungan kami berjalan agak baik. Tetapi kehidupan berpasangan tidak selalunya lancar. Jika saya hendak mendeskripsikan Laila dari konteks perhubungan, Laila ialah seorang yang ‘senang dapat, tapi susah maintain’ (saya harap Laila tidak baca tugasan ini!).

            Kami menjadi sepasang kekasih hanya selepas seminggu berkenalan. Selepas beberapa bulan dalam perhubungan saya mendapati bahawa Laila sangat emotionally volatile. Beliau boleh suka satu benda dan dalam beberapa minit, dia akan bertukar menjadi tidak suka kepada benda tersebut. Beliau juga agak clingy terhadap saya dan ini membuatkan saya agak penat untuk melayan karenahnya.

            Selepas mengambil minor psikologi, saya mendapati antara faktor yang membuatkan Laila menjadi begitu mungkin kerana dia mempunyai daddy issues dan abandonment issue. Ibubapanya bercerai pada usia yang muda dan bapa Laila mengabaikannya setelah berpisah dengan ibunya. Jadi secara tidak langsung saya bertindak sebagai surrogate dalam perhubungan ini.

Rakan-rakan pasukan futsal saya merupakan common bond group saya. Common bond group ialah kumpulan yang berinteraksi secara muka ke muka dan setiap ahli di dalamnya mempunyai pertalian di antara satu sama lain. Selain keluar dan melepak bersama, kebanyakan masa kami dihabiskan di gelanggang futsal untuk berlatih. Satu perkara yang unik yang disedari jurulatih kami ialah, kami sering bermain di bawah potensi sebenar sedangkan jika diberikan ujian kecergasan individu, setiap pemain menunjukkan tahap kecergasan yang tinggi.

            Ini adalah berpunca daripada social loafing, di mana kami akan akan memberikan output kerja yang berkurangan apabila seseorang bekerja di dalam kumpulan. Untuk mengatasi masalah ini, jurulatih kami telah mencipta satu formasi taktikal di mana setiap pemain perlu berlari dan berada di suatu tempat pada satu-satu masa. Jika serangan atau formasi kami tidak menjadi, kami boleh mengenalpasti siapakah di antara kami yang tidak melakukan larian, sekaligus dapat mencegah social loafing.

            Bermain dalam satu pasukan yang sentiasa dahagakan kejuaraan, kebanyakan rakan-rakan saya di dalam pasukan ini tergolong dalam type A behavior pattern. Mereka mempunyai tahap kompetitif yang tinggi dan agresif. Tahap persaingan yang tinggi dalam pasukan kami membuatkan kami sering terlibat dalam pergaduhan dengan pihak lawan. Kadang-kadang kami yang akan memulakan provokasi, adakalanya pasukan lawan yang melakukan provokasi. Sebagai ahli pasukan yang paling tua dan selaku kapten pasukan, saya selalu dipertanggungjawabkan oleh jurulatih untuk mengawal emosi rakan-rakan dan menenangkan keadaan.

            Namun, dalam perlawanan yang berintensiti tinggi, saya sendiri yang akan hilang kawalan dan akan bertindakbalas terhadap provokasi atau ejekan. Apabila bermain dalam perlawanan penting, maruah dan nama baik seakan dipertaruhkan. Ini dipanggil culture of honor di mana ia ialah sebuah budaya yang mengatakan bahawa tindakbalas norma yang biasa terhadap ejekan ialah agresi.

            Seperti yang disebut dalam bahagian pertama, kekasih saya, Laila merupakan seorang yang emotionally volatile. Dia juga boleh menukar fikiran beberapa kali dengan cepat. Sebagai contoh, sekiranya pada pukul 8 pagi dia memberitahu yang dia akan ke kelas, pada pukul 9 pagi pula dia akan memberitahu saya bahawa dia tidak mahu pergi ke kelas langsung pada hari itu. Kebiasaannya apabila perkara sebegini terjadi, saya akan melakukan teknik foot-in-the-door.

            Teknik ini memerlukan saya membuat permintaan yang kecil pada mulanya dan beralih kepada permintaan yang lebih besar kemudian. Sebagai contoh, pada mulanya saya akan memujuk Laila untuk pergi ke kelas pertama sahaja. Apabila kelas yang pertama selesai, saya akan cuba pula memujuk Laila untuk ke kelas kedua. Pelbagai alasan yang akan saya berikan kepadanya seperti ‘tutor mengambil kedatangan’ atau ‘temankan saya ke kelas’.

            Tanpa dia sedari, akhirnya dia berjaya menghadiri semua kelas untuk hari tersebut. Saya juga sedar yang saya tidak boleh menyalahkan Laila untuk pergi ke kelas, kerana Laila ialah seorang pelajar yang bijak. Mungkin dia berasakan bahawa dia boleh mendapat input yang lebih banyak dengan belajar sendiri di biliknya. Di sinilah saya mengambil peluang untuk melakukan upward social comparison. Saya akan cuba membandingkan diri saya dengan orang yang lebih baik daripada saya dalam sesuatu. Sebagai contoh, dalam bidang akademik, saya akan membandingkan diri saya dengan Laila. Dari situlah saya dapat belajar sedikit sebanyak tentang perubahan dan penambahbaikan yang boleh saya lakukan dalam diri saya.

            Akhir sekali, selepas dua tahun dalam perhubungan yang matang, saya mempelajari untuk menukar gaya perhubungan saya kepada communal approach. Communal approach mengatakan bahawa setiap pasangan hendaklah cuba memenuhi keperluan pasangannya tanpa mencari keseimbangan faedah. Ini adalah kerana saya selalu berkira (walaupun tidak disuarakan) dengan apa yang saya sumbangkan terhadap perhubungan, seolah-olah saya yang membuat lebih banyak sumbangan daripada Laila. Sedangkan Laila juga banyak memberikan sumbangan dalam perhubungan ini. Cuma sifat narsisistik saya yang tidak mahu mengakuinya. Tetapi syukur kerana masih belum terlambat untuk saya menyedari dan menghargainya. 

Classy Jerk

"Okay take five" kata pensyarah Organic Chemistry aku. Azab sungguh masuk kelas O-Chem ni. Dahla susah, pensyarah pulak boring. Aku terus keluar kelas. Niat nak ponteng terus tapi orang tua tu tak ambil attendance lagi. Aku pegi kat parking lot dan terus pelekat sebatang dunhill. Baru 3 pam ada jejaka berkaca mata datang tegur. "Oi takleh hisap rokok kat sini. Buang rokok kau. Hak bernafas hak kami. Bertimbang rasalah sikit. Aku report kat guard kang". Aku senyum, aku buang rokok. Ikut hati nak hentak ja budak ni. Kalau dia suruh aku buang ja aku boleh terima lagi. Tapi nak berlagak all self-righteous and threaten me? 

Tapi aku diam dan senyum ja. Mak aku cakap don't fight fire with fire. Aku buang bukan sebab aku takut dengan ugutan atau takut dengan mata empat tu, tapi sebab aku tak nak panjang cerita. Recently us smokers have come under fire from the campus community dekat facebook. Gang-gang self righteous mengkritik kami kiri dan kanan sebab kami hisap rokok dalam kawasan kampus. Even Izzue Islam yang datang buat show and probably taktau pun pasal rule ni pun kena bambu. Heck even our VC pun a chain smoking choo choo train, knapa korang tak pi bambu? But to my surprise, ada jugak gang-gang smokers yang cuba nak defend dan lawan balik. Im glad that we're united but I dont really condone that actions. 

I mean if we fight back, it'll only put us more under the magnifying glass. Orang akan lagi marah, dan orang akan demand more enforcement. I am already enjoying my 'privilege' of smoking inside the campus as it is, why ruined it?  Aku fikir long term. Stay under the radar, and dont create any problems. Lepas aku grad korang nak buat apa pun buatlah. Nak enforce the law ke, nak tangkap gambar ke, nak naikkan denda ke. But know this gang-gang self-righteous sekalian. Jangan ingat semua benda black and white. Everything are all shades of grey. Nak dijadikan cerita hujung minggu tu aku jumpa mamat kaca mata tu lagi kat tournament futsal kat kampus. Untung sabut, team aku diundi satu kumpulan dengan dia.

Memang masak budak tu aku kerjakan. Senang cita, aku dah tak pikir pasal menang dah time aku lawan team dia. Aku pikir pasal nak prap kaki dia ja. Nasib baik tournament futsal cikai; takde St. John. Kalau ada St. John memang aku akan make sure dorang keja over time. Takla makan elaun buta ja. Abes ja game, aku pegi hisap rokok dengan teammates aku. Dari jauh aku nampak si kaca mata nursing his injuries. Sebelah dia ada awek dia. Aku lalu tepi dia dgn kawan-kawan aku sambil rokok di tangan, I took a swipe at him "Ouh kali ni kau tak berani pulak tegur aku hisap rokok dalam kampus ek?" WIN.

What's better than kicking a man down? Kicking a man when he's already down, in front of his woman. BIG WIN. I know I'm a jerk you dont have to tell me. But at least I'm a classy jerk. 

David vs Goliath

This post is related to the previous one about biding my time and how it help me in my life. A few years ago during college I have this lecturer of mine, who's difficult to deal with. He's a thorn to my side, mainly because he's a bully. He's a pushover, a dictator who thinks that he could simply get away with anything unscathed. His teachings was all over the place, erratic and he did so as he pleased. He entered the class, both hands in the pocket and started blabbering away. We didn't mind all that, really. Sebab ada ja lecturer macam tu. Yang emphasize on life learning instead of the textbook. Until when he announced our mid term marks. Semua orang dapat teruk time tu, and when we tried to confront him what went wrong, he belittle our effort and simply said that our performance was mediocre.

This angered us. Ikutkan hati memang terus nak report kat the the college registrar. Plus there's also suggestion for us to have a picket, to go against this unfair lecturer. I was in the MPP back then and I had some say in the student council. But, having learnt from the incident I experienced in mrsm, I urged cooperation from my classmates to be patience and tread carefully on this matter. We came out with a thorough step by step plans on how to approach this problem. Because what we were doing was risky. Satu, sebab this lecturer is the nephew of the owner of the college. Dua, sebab kalau kami approach benda ni wrongly, we would end up as the rebel or the bad guys,or the slander. Because basically what we were doing was accusing this lecturer as incompetent. Which was a serious allegations.

So first, we tried to find other lecturers who can back us up. Rupa-rupanya bila kami mengadu masalah ni kat lecturer lain baru kami dapat tahu yang we weren't on the wrong side of the table. Apparently other lecturers carried the same sentiments we had towards him but because nobody were brave enough to come forward, the other lecturers kept quiet because they could also get into trouble, given his 'untouchable' position in the college. And then the lecturers hooked us up a meet with the program coordinator. The program coordinator expressed her sympathy and revealed that actually for the past years that troublesome lecturer never submitted his marking schemes to her sedangkan it is compulsory to do so.

So she advised us to do a few procedures, given the delicate situations. First she told us to verbally asked our lecturer to discuss the mid terms paper in class. Even though we were very sure that he will decline, we had to ask anyway, so that the next steps could be justified. Then only we could come out with a letter, some kind of a petition addressed to the registrar to demand for our papers to be remarked. In addition, we should also collect testimonies from seniors who had studied in his class to support our claim. Memang renyah. Banyak sangat procedures and steps yang kami kena buat. Tapi benda yang paling best kami buat ialah, kami masuk kelas lecturer ni macam biasa. Kami still pergi kelas, still layan karenah dia, still senyum-senyum walaupun dia camdek and perli kaw-kaw (especially aku sbb dia tau aku yang pegi report kat admin). Bersangka baik walaupun dalam hati rasa tak selesa dengan dia. And Alhamdulillah, in the end we got what we wanted. 

Dia pun tak sentap dgn kami. Kami pun tahan pi lah whatever drama he threw at us. So mungkin dia pun terbuka hati nak dengar permintaan kami. I tell you never fight fire with fire. Because it will only get you into trouble. Sabar. Ikut prosedur and hope for the best. Memang benda ni menyusahkan, dan kadang-kadang kesabaran tu memang dah semakin menipis , but if you do things properly, it will go on your favour. I wonder what would have happened if we were to do a picket against him? or if we launched a boycott against him by not going to his class? or if we reported this matter to external organisations like GPMS, or worst seek legal counsel?

Biding time

I used to run for a position in the student representative council back in MRSM. At that time I was in form four. In MRSM they carried out this election thingy to choose who gets to be in the BWP. All students get to vote who they deemed qualified to lead them. To make long story short, I entered the election. I contested for the Exco Sukan seat against a friend and a classmate of mine. So it was a 1 v 1 contest. No other candidates. We underwent a strict selection process, and were finally eligible for elections. I forgot how long they gave us, but the poster hanging and the campaigning started. Until the day of the voting.

Towards the elections, there's this friend of mine, who just got transferred to our school from another mrsm under disciplinary reasons. Well basically it means that his old mrsm wanted to get rid of him, but he was given one last chance to start new in another mrsm. When I said last chance, it means even the simplest form of misdemeanor would cause him to get an expulsion. Nak dijadikan cerita one day he lost his temper and lashed out on a classmate. And for that outburst he had, he's getting expelled. I mean for just lashing out? That's like what kindergarten kids do on a daily basis.

So we decided to gather as many fourth former as we could, and go to the headmaster house to appeal on behalf of him. The headmaster asked us to calm down and let the disciplinary hearings deal with it. Our effort was without avail. Later that day, he got expelled. The next day, our warden asked those who went to the headmaster house to go and write our name in a piece of paper. He made it sound so harmless, as if he wanted to help us. That's the thing with my school wardens. A bunch of hypocritical fags. They made it as if they were our friends. For example, a warden would come to us, joking around as if he's our friend, the kind of teacher that student trusted and shared everything with. Dia nanti tanya la "awak hisap rokok?", as if he was trying to reach out to us, as if he care. But wrong. He doesnt give a shit. He just wants a promotion or a pat in the back by his faggy friends saying he's doing a good job. And once he knew your secret, he will used it against you. He'll give you a choice. Whether to rat out your friends, or face the wrath of consequences. 

Okay sorry where were we? Haa..so a bunch of us went to write our name down. This was on the day of the election, I think. Long story short, they announced the election result. To my surprise, I didnt win it. So does my opponent. Apparently, they gave the position to another candidates who contested in the Biro Kebajikan seats. That's when I realized that I just got screwed. It angered me to every inch of my skin. Call it theory conspiracy, call it whatever. I really believed that I should have won it. People love me over there. I was voted to be the House Captain within seconds of the AGM. All the kakak form five told me they had my back. Plus, I had the best sports CV in the school. Well, I really can accept defeat. I am a sportsman, it's in my nature to accept defeat. But if I really lost fair and square, how come my opposition candidate didn't get the seat? I can accept lost, but not like that. What enraged me more was that there were friends who actually went to the headmaster house but were a total chicken to go over and write their name, got the job. Heck even the president pun pergi.

But this experience was an eye opener for me.  Dulu aku selalu tertanya-tanya, depa ni nak cari badan wakil pelajar ka badan wakil sekolah? But To go against the system, you must be a part of the system first. I should have kept my temperament, show that Im a good watchdog for the school and slaved away my ass to the wardens. And only after I get the job baru la aku start jadi wakil pelajar. I also learn a few things from this. Hang tak boleh buat picket, hang tak boleh buat demonstrasi, hang tak boleh buat perhimpunan aman. You'll only get into trouble. No matter how right you think you are. Which is a little bit flawed isn't it?  I think that pretty much depict our political scenario in the country. I think I have changed a lot from these experience, but I can't run from who I am forever. Although I seem like a reserved guy, Im not afraid to have an opinion. They might keep me quiet, but they can't stop me from having an opinion. And when the right time comes, I'll take them on. That's the most important lesson of them all.

The Standard Deviation

I really think that I could adapt well with people. I might have that social awkwardness with people in the beginning, but over time, I really think that I could blend well with the people around me. I am really good at reading emotional cues and behaviour. And I know how to make people comfortable with my presence. I guess maybe it came from the way I was raised. Due to the nature of their job and studies, my parents had to move a lot when I was a child. So I had to adapt to new environment, new schools and make new friends. I tell you during my childhood years, I went to five primary schools! That's almost a school per year. 

During my high school years I only changed school once. I went from PFS to MRSM. But it was a totally different experience for me. In Penang Free, the students are more outspoken. They were more enterprising and a little mischievous. And with its hundred of years of historic traditions, I get to experience different culture and mentality from the students there. MRSM on the other hand, was different. The students there are clever, polite and a little bit raw. The social context was pretty high unlike Penang Free, where the slightest thing you do might offended some people.

I learnt a lot from both school and there's no way I could choose which of the two that was better. So yeah, I get to meet all sorts of people. The standard deviation was pretty high too. Dari yang kaya sampai yang miskin. Dari yang pandai sampai yang kurang pandai. Dari bandar sampai la ke kampung. I get to meet each and every one of them. And each and everyone of them is different. For example, in Penang Free being outspoken is acceptable because it signify responsibility, independent and leadership. However in MRSM it's a no-no. They value discipline, respect and humility more. So it really depends on the culture and the environment you live in. Tu baru at an institutional level, belum lagi at a personal level. 

So yeah, over time I developed skills on how to get a long with people from different backgrounds. Dari gang nerd sampai la gang budak-budak nakal. Dari gang kampung sampai la gang bandar. Dari gang bola sampai la gang rempit. You really could do it too, it's easy. You just have to learn about what they value the most and identify with them. Learn new things. Broaden your standard deviation. For example, learn eating from a croissant with cream cheese to gulai batang pisang sambil bersila bawah pokok. Of course, you'd have to enjoy it, or you'll just end up being that hypocritical guy who's just trying to fit in.

Having high adaptability and high standard deviation sure has its advantages. We'll get to improve our social and interpersonal skills. We'll learn to have empathy and it enhance our EQ. But it also has it's downside. The fact that people with high standard deviation could adapt really well means that they might allow unnecessary behaviour to seep in. For example, kalau dia lepak dengan gang-gang tabligh dia pi masjid, tapi kalau dia lepak dengan gang-gang judi dia pi main nombor ekor. See what I mean? I sometimes suffer from that too. Well takla teruk sangat sampai pi main nombor ekor ka apa ka. For example, when I went to sdp recently, I succumbed to the corporate social pressure. Seeing everybody shaking everybody's hand, I too participated with shaking the opposing gender's hand. Sedangkan kat rumah dengan cousin-cousin perempuan aku pun aku tak salam. 

Need to work more on that.

Pre-work

I'm back in Penang, once again. SDP was fine. But I got to admit that second day into the program, I was starting to feel that this was your typical, generic motivation camp you used to attend during your high school years. Up to a point it felt a little bit redundant because you already knew and at least familiar with the modules. This year, they kinda reshuffled the SDP program. There's no more outdoor activity, no more mock interview, no more movie night and no more CSR program. Just plain in-the-classroom-training. 

Of course there's pros and cons to it. For example we get to finish our program earlier at night but the classroom based training has taken it's toll on me. I understand that YSD and SDLC were prepping us for the corporate world, but I find it a little bit boring. For example we were asked to sit through a business communication class sedangkan there's already a subject dedicated to it alone in my university that I had taken. So it was like a revision class. Nevertheless, I paid the instructors their due respect and listened to them with an open mind. 

Of course to make it interesting, they conduct their lessons in several ways. Ada games, ada presentations, ada sketches etc. But I dunno. That classroom 'feel' is still there, while I was expecting more of a corporate 'feel'. I mean yes, they taught us a lot of things. But it was more like a theory rather than the reality I was expecting. For example, they talked about trust and responsibilities and said that if your boss trust you, he or she will give you more responsibilities. Well, benda tu macam logik ja. Apa kata kalau hang explain kat aku, 'where do you draw the lines between having accepted a responsibility because the boss trusted you or is it he/she simply was riding you and bullying you?'

That was the kind of questions that I needed answers to. If you see the itinerary above, the green colored ones were conducted by SD while the blue-colored ones were  carried out by a training consultant hired by SD. We were well informed that SD invested a lot of money hiring them. But if the training consultant are just there to teach us superficial stuff, I think a lot of my Uni's clubs and societies could do the exact job with minimal payment. The only thing that can justify their selection was they have Roshan Thiran, who used to be a key right hand man to General Electric, a big company in US. So yeah, he managed to share with us his experience working with GE, under the leadership of Jack Welch, one of the most influential CEO in the USA. 

Well, having Roshan Thiran with us was exactly what I was looking for. He taught us things that you can't learn in a classroom. So I guess it pretty much justify why SD paid great money to this training consultant. There's a lot of business or entrepreneurial seminar out there where famous CEOs was invited to give a talk and I know for a fact that the fees wasn't cheap. Well anyway, you could google him up to read about some of his interesting experiences. All in all it was a good program for me. Even though it didnt rise up to my expectation, at least it managed to show me a career path with SD. At least I have an idea on what's waiting for me this coming new year.

And of course, they managed to show us a glimpse of their snazzy reputation. At SDLC, they invited both the ex CEO and the newly appointed CEO , Tun Musa Hitam and Dato Ghani Othman. They gave us access card for the building. Nak pi toilet pun kena ada access card. Food toksah cakap la. Sedap2 dan best2. And free flow of water from the vending machine. All you need is press the button. I even managed to visit the staff gym. With crazy and buff up equipments in it. And their zen garden is totally breathtaking. Sempoi baq hang.

But to me, the best of them all, is the people behind it. I am so thankful to have so many people taking care and nurturing us. People from YSD and SDLC. And also fellow scholars from Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia (under Minamas Plantation, a subsidiary of Sime Darby) studying from all over the world. Some of them came from one of the best university in the world, Cambridge, LSE, Imperial, to name a few. But the sense of humbleness and belonging was there for the taking. And I am glad to rub shoulders and learn with them. And I also learnt that there's a junior from USM who just recently received the scholarship. Awesome. 

Abam senior

Will depart for KL tonight to attend SDP tomorrow. Unlike the previous year, this time we'll gather at their Ara Damansara's leadership centre instead. We'll spend a day there, have lunch and dialogue session with Tun Musa Hitam, and will depart for Merlimau's Training Centre later in the evening . Going to the leadership centre is going to be a bit tricky. Kalau macam last year, we gathered at KL's headquarters in Jalan Raja Chulan. Senang. Turun LRT ja dah nampak bangunan. This time I'll have to walk or take a public transit to go there.

Sampai rumah dari UIA memang tak sempat nak buat apa-apa pun. Ingatkan boleh la lari sat pi raya rumah sapa-sapa, tapi banyak benda nak kena prepare. Enough about SDP. I received good news from my sister upon arriving home. She's offered to do her second degree in USM. She'll be taking Psychology Education under PPIP, and she's taking the coursework mode. That means, dia kena attend class la. She's been to usm for registration and briefing the week when I was away. She even has her campusonline profile now. And nanti dia kena pi angkat sumpah alongside with all the new students this coming September.

Even though she's a post graduate student, technically she's still my junior. And I'll get the pleasure to bully her and do stuff for me, like driving me to school. Haha. Kalau dia nampak aku kat kampus tobat mesti dia buat tak kenai punya. 

I dont know how long she'll take to complete her studies but from the way she talked, she's going to try to complete it in one year. Man, there's even a possibilities of us sharing the same convocation. Shesshh.. Better warn her to not steal my thunder. Haha. Anyway congratulation is in order. Kudos Nabila. Hope your endeavour in USM is a smooth sailing one. And please listen and obey whatever your seniors tell you. Haha. Nak selit jugak tuh. I better go packing now. See you in a week. Doakan perjalanan aku. 

The Cycle

Im back in Penang. I left UIA with mixed feelings; happy because I finally get to come home, regrets because we couldn't get any win, and sad because I might not see some of my good friends as they already completed their study. Have you ever get that dreading feeling where you want things to end, but not to end? When we finished all our matches, I really feel like going home. Because there's nothing left for me to stay apart of suffering the pain of watching some other futsal team win it. But we had to stay for an extra few days because our friends from other sports teams are still competing.

I even considered buying my own bus ticket to go home earlier than the rest of the contingent  but I realized it only means that I'll never get to see some of my graduating friends again. So I decided to stay and make the last few days we are together count. And kalau pikir2 balik, aku lagi banyak berjalan dari main futsal. Having friends around Gombak made that trip easier. I also have my friends from Cyberjaya visited me. We went places and we did a lot of things. Cuma kadang-kadang tu I felt bad because tak dapat bawak semua orang, especially when we completed all our matches. Kalau boleh, nak ajak semua orang dalam team futsal join, tapi sebab masalah transport kadang-kadang tu terpaksa juga leave out some of them.

But all our juniors are good lads. They understand that we had to prioritise the senior members of the team and they respected the fact that the seniors's had already developed a friendship together, long before they entered USM. I don't really like to coined out the senior-junior thingy because it is as if I am implying that our team is berpuak-puak sedangkan it is not. No matter what year we are studying, we took care of each other. There's solidarity and unity, no question about that. Anybody can come to anybody's room and hang out with each other. 

It's just that the five senior team members went through so much together. We started playing together way back in 2011 in Medan, when we were still considered a junior. Bukan setakat main intervarsity ja, even tournament dalam USM pun kami main sekali. And the fact that three of them won't be playing with us anymore is a bitter pill to swallow. But like the old saying goes, 'all good thing must come to an end'. I never thought that a group of people whose membership of the group relies on competitiveness could be so close. They're family. They're irreplaceable. But as time goes by, they leave, and new family members comes in. And over time they become irreplaceable too. And the cycle goes on.

Happy graduation brothers. 

The International

The International has been going on for the past week. For those of you who didn't know, The International is an annual e-sports tournament, but only contesting the game dota. No, dota is not Dunia Orang Tanpa Awek, but Defence Of the Ancient. Basically it is a multiplayer game where team fights 5 on 5 in trying to destroy their opposition throne. E-sports has been growing ever since the dot.com bubble especially in the early 2000s when internet is getting faster and faster.

The International is like the biggest and the most prestigous dota tournament there is. First, because it is organised by Valve, the video game company that produced dota itself. Second, the winner of this tournament is going to walk away with 1.4 million US Dollar. And third, the teams that participated in TI is the top 16 team in the whole wide world. This year, TI is held in Seattle, USA. It's really cool I tell you. It's like a comic-con. Variety of programmes and events are being carried out there apart from the main tournament, like pubstomp, autograph session, selling booths and many more.

I've been watching the tournament via live streaming and through the dota platform, and I can tell you it is an awesome experience. Watching these professional gamers play competitively is really fun which reminds me why I've been playing it since 2005, albeit I never played competitively. There's a few teams that I root for particularly Na'Vi, iG and Orange. iG was last year's champion and they walked away with a million dollar prize money. They're a team from China, but one of the players is Malaysian. Goes by the name Chuan. You could watch Chuan's pre-game introduction at 4:59.

Naik limo tuh. Tiba-tiba teringin nak jadi professional gamer jugak. Anyway also lots of crazy things happened during the tournament. Ada satu game tu, the game was dragged until the 90 minutes mark, which is overly long for a dota game, and the Korean commentator goes crazy. 

And of course, there's Orange. Our very own Malaysian team. Orange has one of the best dota solo player in the world, Mushi. Last year they finished third. Hope this year they could finish better. Orange also has one Malay player in the form of Fadil 'Kecik Imba' Raziff. But he hasn't play thus far as he's like the sixth player and an understudy. But I'm not worried. He's only 17 years old and Im sure he has a bright future ahead of him. 

Jom dota.